Ryan and Micki Make a Porno (Smootch!)

Authors: Pepperstasia Beaverhausen <gillianinchains@yahoo.com>

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1: Crisis and a Reunion

Ryan and Micki Make a Porno (smootch!)

author: Pepperstasia Beaverhausen
rating: NC-17, butofcourse
categories: Weird-Ass MRR, Humor, alternate universe, multiple character crossovers, slight slash, just for fun. Ryan POV
spoilers: eh, sorta. Post-Lloyd, 1st year timeline, fer shur
summary: A five year high-school reunion and a Curious Goods financial crisis lead our two heroes to extreme resolutions, hence the title.
Author's notes and the Disclaimer: None of this belongs to me, 'cept the weirdness. And even *then*...Micki, Ryan, Jack, et.al are the property of Paramount, Mancuso and Williams, Robey, John D. LeMay, Chris Wiggins...you get the idea. I don't get paid shit. The theme of this story was fully inspired and ripped off from the movie "Zack and Miri Make a Porno", which is the property of Seth Rogan and View Askew, and if they want to sue, I'll offer 'em a blowjob or something. That'll work. I was also wondering as to how the Shopcrew dealt with their financial situation, seeing as they did have to shell out some dough to buy back some of the objects, although most of the time they were on a straight up jack-move mission. Acknowledgements for character crossovers that do not belong to me are as follows: Conrad Shepard and Andy Botwin ("Weeds") are the property of Jenji Kohan, Elliot Stabler ("Law and Order: SVU) is the property of Dick Wolf, Audrey Horne and Laura Palmer ("Twin Peaks") are the property of the great David Lynch, Dana Scully ( "X-Files") is the property of Chris (most awesome surfer hunk) Carter, and Hank Moody ("Californication") is the property of Tom Kapinos, David Duchovny, and another guy who isn't me. Anyway, it seems like I have Baz Luhrman syndrome lately with my fics, but when you get inspired, why not just roll with it, right? Party on, Dudes. No infringement intended, this is just me having fun.


"I choked Linda Lovelace" ~Joe Dirt T-Shirt

"Thanks for being my wingman tonight, Micki." I say as I bustle around our budget motel room in Chicago, "Though *why* I'm even wasting my time on a five year reunion is beyond me." Yes, there's my socks.
"You're welcome." she calls from the bathroom, where she's set up shop, "And why not? We're here anyway, and we got the money clip back, which means 'mission complete'. The fact that your five year high school reunion is tonight is a coincidence worth acting on. I'm dying to hear what you were like as a teenager from a third-party source."
"Ha ha." I retort, "At least there's an open bar. I feel like celebrating and we can't afford *any* extras right now; I can't believe that guy wanted five grand. Five Grand!"
"Look on the bright side, he may have been driving a hard bargain, but at least the curse didn't have a hold on him." Micki says to me as she emerges from the butterfly cocoon she constructed for herself in the john, looking pretty butterfly-esque herself in a gauzy one-shoulder strap dress in gray and yellow splatter hues. She does a little spin, "Do I do you justice?"
I nod and give her a whistle, "Maybe with you on my arm, they'll forget that I couldn't get a date to save my life for the Prom, and that I used to play D&D." I straighten the linen lapel of my tan two-piece suit, going for the "Miami Vice" with an art shirt look this evening, "Then we can divide and conquer. Who knows? Maybe that cheerleader I used to like will be there, and single." Toni Coleco. Man was she hot.
"As long as we're in between objects, maybe we won't put any potential 'interests' in harm's way; so it should be safe." she smirks, half-joking, although what we do doesn't really allow for that statement to not be taken a little seriously. In our occupation, the way of cursed object recovery is the equivalent to nookie kryptonite. It would be nice to just get through a one night stand without putting anyone in harm's way. Here's hoping.
"I should call Jack back before we leave." I remember, "The desk clerk said that he called while we were out."
"I hope everything's all right."
It's been really slow on the sales side these days, and buying back these last few objects has been tapping us out. We're down to maybe four hundred in our company account, and we're about two months behind on all of our bills. Curious Goods has hit a financial skid, but it's nothing we can't get out of.
"*I* hope he's called to tell us he sold one of our bigger ticket items." I counter, picking up the reciever and dialing out.

Jack: Curious Goods.
Ryan: Hey Jack. Callin' you back before we grace Lincoln's Class of '83 with our presense.
Jack: Ryan! (heavy sigh) I'm afraid the reason I called is a serious one; do you have any of the money left that you two travelled with?
Ryan: 'Bout Thirty bucks of it, why?
Jack: We've been served, my boy. Amongst your Uncle Lewis' legacy, apparently 20,000 dollars owed in back taxes to the IRS was one of them. They need us to pay at least half of the amount owed by Tuesday of next week or we face repossession.
Ryan: This is not good, Jack. We just had to blow five g's on the money clip. Any customers on the line?
Jack: Afraid there's been nothing but dustbunnies and Rashid to keep me company. I haven't seen a customer in here all day. We'll keep optimistic, however.
Ryan: We can't lose the store, Jack! That would be a catastrophe! Who knows what would happen? All that work, all those people...
Jack: I told you, we'll keep optimistic, won't we Ryan? Things have ways of working themselves out. In the meantime, I'll keep the home fires burning and try to put in a few calls to some friends. I'll let you know if anything develops. Say hello to Micki for me.
Ryan: I will. (sucks in a deep breath) G'bye, Jack.
Jack: Goodbye, Ryan.

I hang up the phone and turn to Micki with a grave look, "This is not good."
She's sitting on her hotel bed, sliding her gray peep-toed pumps onto her feet, "What's not good?" I don't want to shatter her calm, but when I tell her, it invariably happens. "Where are we possibly going to come up with ten thousand dollars in the span of six days? Or *more* than that, even? What if Jack finds that lightbulb he's been tracking and *they* want money too? I guess it won't even matter if we lose the whole thing, will it?" You have to hand it to Micki, the girl can freak out with a blue streak. She's even hyperventilating a little, "This blows. It's hopeless."
I feel that she needs a hug, so I give her one. She breathes a bit into my dark brown art shirt and visibly calms. "Nothing is hopeless. Remember that. And Jack said that he'll make some calls." I soothe her, "See what he can do."
"He did?" she mumbles against my shirt, sucks in a breath, and looks up, "I think we need that open bar now more than ever." she exhales, face still a bit tense, but better.
I nod in agreement, "I think you're right. Onward to the open bar!"
Before we go any further in this tale I am taking you into, I think it would be prudent to get some back story on the kind of relationship that Micki and I have. It's crucial to the storyline and you may understand us a little better. I like her and she likes me, it's obvious. We're cousins by marriage only, and we just met each other for the first time when we inherited the store that we run together from our dear, sweet, devil-worshipin' Uncle Lewis. He left us a hell of a mess to clean up with all the cursed objects that he put out there for us to chase down. We've developed a pretty decent working relationship out of the insanity, learning a lot about one another in the ten months or so that we've been living together, and we're as comfy as can be around each other. It's easy to hang out and kid with Micki. I even got her to start reading comics. No shit. Never would have pegged her for that when I first met her; she seemed uptight, and all she wanted to do was leave and get back to her jerk fiancee, Lloyd. Man, what a douche that guy was. She broke up with that asshole a few months ago, and I couldn't be happier. I mean, we'd be hanging out, talking or laughing at something funny we were watching and then he'd call with his "King of the Bringdown" shit and more often than not, hang up on her and leave her crying. I am *too* happy that's over now. I would never hang up on a girl like her, I don't care how mad at her I thought I was. Which brings me to the other thing about us. She's gorgeous. Not just beautiful, mind you, but like, *make you sick* she's so gorgeous. I had always been partial to the brunettes in the past, but she's washed my mind red. Every time I see another redhead now, I perk up. Seriously. Yeah, so Micki. Long curly red hair, check. Wide-eyed and achingly innocent face, check. Seductive face, check. Mile-long legs, check. Constantly braless and pert rack, check. All over bodacious curves, check. As you can see, I'm in a bit of a pickle. I like her, but I also *like* her. But it's been friendship and that's all since the beginning, and that's most likely how it will stay. She only likes me, and that's okay by me. She's my best friend, that's good enough. We rely too much on each other for the greater good to allow me to make it weird by telling her that she turns me on. I'd rather not.
Besides, she's gracious enough to make it appear like I can score a babe as posh as she is, so who am I to complain? Tonight, I am gonna be *The Man*, and it's the only reason why I would waste my time at a five year in the first place. Shit, I didn't even want to go to my *Ten* year high school reunion. I am curious to see if a couple of my old D&D buddies are going to be there. Me, Conrad, and Elliot were like peas in a pod on Saturday nights, battling dwarves and elves til the sun rose.
All I really want to do is temporarily forget for a few hours that we're about to lose the whole kit and kaboodle if we don't come up with ten grand. Fuckin' Uncle Lewis. What a dick.
I digress, because we've arrived at the hulking structure that is my old high school. Go Knights, rahrahrah. I left Lincoln five years ago and never looked back, but here it is. Same old shit. Different day. Micki and I link hands and snag the obligatory nametags from the class valedictorian, Perry Mitchell, an asshole who thankfully had no idea who I was. Let's just say that we didn't run exactly run in the same circles. Luckily, Lincoln was a pretty big school. It's easy to get lost in the fold.
"Is that Ryan 'Geldorf' Dallion?" I hear a bold, hearty voice behind me, "Holy shit, did you come into your own, or what?"
I turn around and am surprised instantly, "Elliot 'Tarragon' Stabler! Jesus fuck, you buffed up!" This is not the wimpy little AV kid I went to school with. Elliot got ripped, and grew into his looks, I guess, "What are you doing now?" I ask him, trying to ignore the way he's blatantly checking out Micki. It's knee-jerk. I don't blame him.
"Training for the Police Academy." He replies, punching my shoulder, "What about you, Dungeonmaster?"
"I own an antique store with this pretty lady you're drooling all over. Might as well get introductions out of the way. Micki Foster, this is my pal Elliot Stabler, future police officer."
Micki gives him an approving look and offers him her hand, "Nice to meet any old friend of Ryan's." she says as he comically leans down and kisses her offering. Valentino as fuck.
"Not as nice as it is to meet you." he answers as he lets her hand go, "Dallion's a lucky bastard." He turns to me, "Conrad's at the bar, you want to go catch up?"
"Conrad Shepard's here?" My jaw drops. I was hoping he would be, but my doubts were high. Even as a self-professed knucklehead kid, he was still too cool. It never ceased to amaze me that he even *played* Dungeons and Dragons in high school.
"Who's Conrad Shepard?" Micki asks as one of my arms moves around her waist and we follow Elliot's lead.
"Only the smoothest Brother Mage up in this bitch!" I hear another familiar voice come from another buffed up, manly old pal at the bar. Same face on Conrad, except a little more handsome now, and he's shaved his head bald, leaving a shiny chocolate pate that only adds to his stud factor. Five years does a lot; my two formerly nerdy, scrawny friends have morphed into men that are making the devastating redhead at my side drool a little herself for once, "Ryan, you ain't trying to call a brother? Where you been?" Conrad notices Micki and takes a step back, looking her up and down, "Je-*sus*. Brother, I am sorry. Question answered." he pats my shoulder, then takes Micki's hand, "Conrad Shepard, all *over* you. Think about it."
"Hey Dick, what the fuck?" I smack his shoulder and give him a look. Micki is beyond amused to the point of blushing and for some reason this pisses me off, "Don't you even want to know her name, first?"
"Don't you believe in mystery?" He retorts, smoothing a wrinkle around where I hit him.
"Micki Foster; thinking about it." she introduces herself, "And mystery's for suckers, in my opinion."
Conrad does another animated jumpback, "I *gotta* order you a drink for that. Lookin' good, Dallion. What'll you guys have?"
Elliot slaps Conrad a five as I answer, "What do they got? I want to get a little toasty."
Micki nods in agreement, "As do I."
"Root Beer Barrels!" Elliot exclaims, "They have those, and they'll get ya fast."
Conrad waves a finger, orders with ease, and they appear in front of us almost immediately, "Where you at these days, Geldorf?" he asks me, "I mean, aside from bringing the finest piece of woman up into this reunion, that is."
"We live out west; we inherited an antique store and have been running it for the past under a year together." I say to him, making sure I emphasize the words 'we' and 'together', "What about you, Brother Mage Elgin? Your threads are lookin' spendy; so what's your business?"
We take a pause to slam our root beer barrels on Elliot's three-count before Conrad continues, "I'm doin' films now, paht-nah. Shit, I thought you'd have your own comic book started, Ry-D. Who'da thought you'd be a proprieter?"
"Films?" I interrupt him, "Jump back, you're in movies? And Elliot's going to be a cop." I shake my head, stunned. A lot can happen in five years, but I guess I should know, "Anything I've seen? Are you acting, writing, producing..."
"Slow up on the line of questioning, we have all night." Conrad laughs, taking note of my shock. He knows he just dropped a bomb, Gap Band style, "I *have* been acting, but I've decided to extend my hand more recently into production. I'm positive it's nothing you've seen." he adds with a smirk.
"He deals in the International market." Elliot chimes in with a glint in his eye, "Get you another drink, pretty lady?" he addresses Micki, who has been 'til now standing at my side and taking it all in. She smiles in affirmative.
"I thought for sure, if anything, that the roles would be reversed, and you would be workin' a camera somewhere, El. You *lived* in AV Club." I motion for the next round of drinks and settle in for catch up time. The Geek Squad made good. Who would've thought?


2: Propositions and the House that Porn Built

When I said Conrad was doing good for himself, I had no idea. Expensive Don Johnson suits aside, we left the reunion after a couple of hours in his *stretch limo* to his *mansion* in the swankest part of Chicago. Micki got trashed; her womanly weight and trying to keep up with us at the bar proved to be her end, and now she's half-passed out in a chair in Conrad's living room as we continue catching up and reminiscing 'bout the old times around his coffee table, sitting on throw cushions. Micki shifts a little in the chair, snuggling against the back. Her leg exposes itself to the hilt via the slit in her dress' skirt, forcing Elliot to stop mid-word.
"...ad, Jesus H. Crutchwalkin' *Christ*, you lucky somebitch." Elliot whistles at the wasted temptress we're all currently hypnotized by, "Dammit Dallion."
"That titian tigress could make me a shitload of money, note that." Conrad sucks in a breath, "Shit, I would pay *myself*."
"What are you rambling about?" I ask him. He and Elliot have been a little weird all evening, "You wanna make her an actress?"
Conrad shakes his head, "I don't think she'd go for it. Not my kind of movies, anyway. You're looking at the House that Porn Built, paht-ner."
Elliot starts dying laughing as I get hit with another shocker to a Funkadelic soundtrack, seeing as we're being serenaded with "Maggot Brain" from his massive stereo system, "You've been doing porno? Conrad, you're shittin' me, right?"
El shakes his head, "Nope. Matter of fact, I'm gonna moonlight as Director of Photography for his next feature." he laughs, "Fuck Dallion, you should see the look on your face!"
Micki pops up abruptly, looks right through us and wasted-mumbles, "Fucking Ten *Grand*! We're *fucked*." then just as abruptly collapses back into her former comatose state.
Oh, right. I was trying to forget about that. Conrad clears his throat, "What was *that* comin' from that girl? You two got money problems or something?"
I nod grudgingly, "Not tryin' to think about that right now, but yeah." I say, launching briefly into the IRScapade we were hit with.
"Well, a brother can always help you out." Conrad starts after I finish explaining, "As I told you, I'm looking to produce a new feature, and I could use some help, especially in *casting*, if you catch me. If you wanted to write and direct, I could cut you a check in a few weeks, and if you and your girl wanted to do a scene or two in it, I could pay you even earlier for services rendered."
Elliot nods, "Conrad's good for it, and you two would sell a wicked load of copies."
I shake my head, "Micki'd never go for it; she'd be afraid somebody would see it, and she's.." not really my girlfriend, but Conrad doesn't let me finish.
"Hold up, because that's the beauty of my business, Blood. I deal in International, we distribute mainly in Holland, Japan, and the Czech Republic. You didn't know I was dealing in porn, did you?" Conrad argues.
"Nope, can't say that I did." I relent.
"And you pay attention, right?" he presses, meaning that I take in my share of porn. What guy doesn't?
"Mostly in print form lately, but yeah." I admit, "You're *still* crazy if you think she'd do it."
"Crazy like a fox." Conrad says, "I'd give you twenty grand tomorrow if you two commit to three or four scenes; and I'll split a third of the profits with you post production if you come up with a storyboard and direct for me. Shit, I'll even knock it down to two scenes for the same price if you hook it up. Nobody else I know could come up with a better story, Dallion."
"What theme were you thinking of?" I can't believe I'm continuing this conversation with him. Blame it on the booze, and the offer of twenty easy Gs.
"Conrad wants to go sci-fi knockoff with this one, but we can't seem to come up with a good idea." Elliot says, "Which is where you come in."
"What do you mean, like 'Kolchak, the Cock Stalker' or something to that effect?"
"He's a fuckin' natural, I told you." Conrad nudges Elliot, "Please say you'll try to at least give me a story idea, and talk to your girl when she comes to. Twenty large for the easiest work you'll ever do."
I can't even believe I'm being posed the question. Wow. Twenty thousand dollars to have sex with Micki (on camera). That's a blessing to be offered payment for, let alone one that couldn't have come at a more pressing financial time, "What about 'Dr. Screw', like a take on 'Dr. Who'? Or, we could always do the obvious 'Star Wars' parody. You could call it 'Fuck Wars' or something." The ideas pour forth like guy second nature, and Conrad and Elliot's reactions to them are swaying me. The least I could do is write and direct.
"That's my boy, Dallion!" Conrad cries, "Keep 'em coming, and *talk to your girl*. They are on my shit about redheads in the Japanese and Russian markets. We're talking massive yen and rubles, my friend."
"I'll try, but I can't promise you anything. Maybe you should help me convince her. She seems to like you." I tell him.
"Brother D, you know I have your back." Conrad replies, then pauses, smiling broadly, "You really think she likes me?"

*********************************************************

We had brainstormed the rest of the night, and came up with a most awesome idea, deciding on a take on the popular movie "Ghostbusters". We're going to call it "Slutbusters". At some point during the middle of the night Conrad's manservant/chauffeur Fawnsworth moved Micki to a guest room to let her sleep it off more comfortably. No guff. Conrad has his own "Jerome". The guy was always partial to Morris Day. Fawnsworth also escorted me back to our motel to obtain our personal effects, because Conrad threw a shit fit when he found out where we were staying and insisted we become houseguests 'for the duration'. However long that may be; it doesn't look like Micki's very pro on the porn idea right now. We just hit it with her over Belgian waffles.
"You're putting me on." she laughs, shaking her head with wide-eyed seriousness, "No." She sees that we're not kidding and answers again, "*No*. Ryan, you've fallen out of the crazy tree and you've hit every branch on the way down."
"Look, Baby Girl, I'm just asking for a couple of scenes worth of the sex you two *would* be having anyway, and I'm offering the most pretty of pennies." Conrad argues with her, as her jaw drops to the floor.
"Ryan, can I talk to you alone for a few?" she seethes through clenched teeth as she stands from her place at the dining room table, "Conrad, do you mind if we use your library?"
"Be my guest." he says, snapping fingers, "Fawnsworth, assure them privacy."
Micki practically hoists me by my collar and drags me into the library, and Fawnsworth closes the door behind us. Ten to one he's standing guard on the other side. "Why does Conrad think that we're?.." she tears into me once we're alone, "you *know*."
"He still thinks you're my girlfriend." I tell her, "Sorry I didn't get a chance to correct that, seeing as I was just recently sideswiped by the fact that my good friend Conrad does International porn that no one we know will ever see. Hey, he offered to help."
"Yeah, if *we* help *him* by engaging in coitus on film. Some help."
"I'm going to pretend not to be insulted by the repulsed look on your face at the thought of having sex with me and get down to the basics. One; we owe a lot of money. Not just to the IRS either, we have at least an additional thousand racked up in pending bills as well. Two; the IRS will repossess if we don't come up with ten thousand dollars in a scarily short amount of time. Three; Conrad said he'd pay us *twenty* grand today if we commit to 'acting' in his feature. Think about it, if you do this with me, you'll save lives, because if the store's repo'd, all those objects will be back out there, wreaking havoc." I argue, realizing it sounded better in my head pre-verbatum.
Micki gives me a reproachful glance, glaring a little, "That's the worst line I've ever heard! It sounds like something a pimp would say to a young girl before turning her out. Are you trying to pimp me, Ryan?"
"Hey, this was all Conrad's idea; *he* offered." I protest.
"Oh, *really*?" She fumes as she stalks over to the door and swings it open. Fawnsworth is waiting patiently, "Would you be so kind as to summon your employer?" she asks in an annoyed but cordial tone.
Conrad appears a few beats later, "So, you in on this, Baby Girl, or what?"
She directs her wrath at my friend, who did not see it coming, "Absolutely *not*. And I am *no one's* Baby Girl, you got that? I am a woman named Michelle Foster and I will not be involved in sex trade for money." She switches gears abruptly, "May I use your phone? I need to call our friend Jack."
"Anything you need is at your disposal, and I apologize for the accidental insultation, because that was not intended. I was trying for an affectation that you clearly did not warm to." Conrad says defensively as he holds up his hands.
"I do want to know why you would ask *me* in the first place, and why you wouldn't just ask Ryan to do it on his own." she pries, curious.
"Damn, you're free with your man, ain't you girl?!" he does his trademark jumpback, then leans in with slight conspiracy, "You're familiar with commodities, right? Well, you, Mi-chelle my Belle, are what they would call a commodity in a few of the markets I deal in. That's why I asked for both of you. Men with brown hair are plentiful. I could only offer Ry-D five grand. *You* are worth the other fifteen, because of the demand I get for your type of female. Russians love redheads, and so do the Japanese. Plus, he's your boy, so I thought it would be easy for you."
"If I don't do it, and Ryan does, we only walk with five thousand?" she asks, while I try not to feel slighted. I'm a dime a dozen and she's a rare expensive gem. There it is, the ugly truth. Conrad nods. She crosses over to the phone and dials out to the store, holding up a hand to signal our silence, "Hello Jack!...Yes..yes, it was interesting, to say the least.."she pauses and shoots Conrad and I a look, "How are affairs on your end?" Micki's face falls after a few seconds, "Oh...oh, really?...*Reea-llly?*...(Long Pause)...Well, Ryan's friend Conrad has made us an offer to do some work...Twenty thousand....yes, wonderful (spoken in a dry, sarcastic tone)...Whatever we have to do huh? (long pause as Jack explains something to her in that way that he has)...No, I understand. Our situation is dire." She sucks in a deep breath, exhaling loudly, "Whatever means necessary."
Conrad and I have been holding our breath the entire time, just watching her. Holy shit, did Jack just talk her into it? He shoots me a hopeful expression as I raise an intrigued eyebrow, "Did the moneyclip arrive safely? The lockbox wasn't too hard to pick open? Oh, good." Dammit, she's changed the subject. Will she or won't she? I *was* crossing my fingers on the moneyclip; we had put it in a lockbox and thrown the key into a lake before overnighting it back to the store yesterday. You can't be too careful with cursed objects. Still, the suspense is *killing* me. She says goodbye to Jack, informing him that we'll keep him posted, and sets the phone back on its cradle. "They're shutting the electric and water off tomorrow. Jack made his calls and they were all for naught." Micki tells me, then turns to Conrad, "Okay, start talking and try to convince me this is a good idea." she relents.
Oh. My. Fucking. *God*. She's really gonna do it. I mean, what other choice does she have, but suddenly, she's acheived saintlike status in my eyes. Conrad's too, apparently. He's pumping his fist currently, hissing "Yes!" like he just won the lottery.
Micki crosses her arms under her chest, taking in our gleeful nature, "Don't make me regret this." she warns.
We take that as our cue to stop looking so stoked and try to wipe the smiles off our faces, "Now let me explain how this is all gonna go down..." Conrad begins.


3: Who ya gonna Call? Slutbusters!

Conrad pleaded his case pretty convincingly, assuring her he would do everything possible to make her comfortable during shooting and informing her that it was unlikely that *anyone* she knew personally would see the film or her performance, due to the exclusive release overseas. The deal was sealed completely when Conrad wired the twenty thousand big ones into the Curious Goods company account this afternoon. No going back now. Elliot came over in the early afternoon and we've been working on the storyboard, blocking, and camera angles for "Slutbusters". We had Micki go out and rent a copy of the real movie to refresh our memories on the general idea of our story. Except ours is going to be a little more equal-opportunity. Since Conrad's the big porn star, his character of Winston will be *way* more integral. He accompanied Micki (they had Fawnsworth drive them), stopping along the way at the Chicago Tribune and Sun Times to put out ads for additional casting for the film, which will run in the evening and morning editions. We will hold auditions tomorrow afternoon and into the evening, if all goes well.
They've just returned with another young man of about our age with brown hair and sideburns. He's leching all over Micki, and she's seeming like she's enjoying the attention, her consistant giggling erupting due to his Gomez Addams impersonation.
"Brother D," Conrad starts, "I would like you to meet a solid friend of mine; Andy Botwin. Andy, meet the man with the plan, the writer and director of 'Slutbusters', Ryan Dallion."
Andy stops smooching his way up Micki's arm and extends a hand, "I can't tell you what an honor it is to meet you!" he shakes mine enthusiastically, "You are the *Man*! 'Slutbusters', I mean, what a fantastic idea!" Andy notices Elliot on the couch and gives a casual wave, "Hey El, how they hangin'?"
"A little to the right today." Elliot jokes.
"Andy wants to participate in our feature." Conrad explains, "I figure we could give him the part of Ray Shaftz. That way, we'll only have to cast one other dude..."
"...and can focus more on the ladies." Andy finishes, slapping Conrad a five. Micki stands between them and shoots them a withering glare.
"Hello, female company in the room!" she exasperates, "You could at least *try* for more discretion."
"Sounds cool; he's got a good 'Ray' look." I say to the chastised Conrad and Andy, who are mumbling 'sorry' and 'my mistake' to my co-star.
*That's* another thing that's barely been able to register, but never fails to bring a little lurch to my stomach when I do think about it. I am now full on *guaranteed* intercourse with a woman who has been the subject of numerous fantasies since I first met her. Holy balls. Micki is going to be my co-star in an Adult Film. The concept seems foreign and crazy, like Dali mixed with Escher, with a little Picasso thrown in for good measure. Then again, our entire reality for the past year has been unnatural, in a sense, so we can just add this new element to the makaab pile. Getting *paid* a shitload of money to have sex with her, now that's the craziest concept I've ever heard of. It doesn't even seem fair, but you'll never catch me complaining in a million years. Momentarily, I am under a blessed star. You can take that to the bank.
"You won't regret this man, I swear!" Andy thanks me, jumping a little and pumping his fist in the air.
I lean in to Conrad, pulling him aside, "How much is *he* getting?" I ask, curious about my dime a dozen status.
"He's doing it for free. Pro-bono. He *begged* me, actually." Conrad replies under his breath as we take in Andy doing a cabbage-patch victory dance next to Micki, who has her hand over her mouth and is shaking with silent laughter. He *is* a perfect Ray; he's goofy as hell.
"So who do we have so far? What's the cast list?" Andy shoots out, snapping his fingers.
"Well, we have myself as Winston Pound-A-Whore," Conrad begins, then points to me, "My boy Dallion is starring as Peter Shankman, and his girl Micki is his co-star Dana Bare-It-All. Then we got the Stabilizer over here as Director of Photography. We still need Egon Studler, Janine Whoreowitz, SlimerSlut, the Librarian SlutGhost, and the Gozer the Slutstroyer Twins, but we might want to just double up those roles with two actresses instead of four." He's a real pro, this guy. You talk production and he's all business, "Mi-chelle my Belle, do you think after we check this movie that you could try to find costume-type-shit with Fawnsworth? I'll be your best friend."
Micki's still shaking off laughter from the combination of Andy Botwin-ness and the perverted Ghostbuster character monikers we came up with last night, but manages to nod yes.
Andy slides next to her and puts an arm around her waist, "So you're gonna be in the movie, huh? Do *we* get to do a scene together?" he says lowly, raising his eyebrows.
"No." Conrad and I say in unison. "Ray goes there with Slimer." I add. I like the guy, but I'm gonna have to keep an eye on this Andy Botwin. He's too slick. She didn't get the least bit offended by his bold moves. I believe she even laughed. She most certainly didn't huck anything at his head or shy away from him.
"I'll let you help me pick your co-star tomorrow." Conrad tells Andy, prying him off Micki, "Hands off my prize star, fool. I don't want you slimin' her up with your taint." he adds, turning to her and apologizing, "I'm sorry, Angel. You just say the word and I'll check this boy."
"He's okay." she replies, "I appreciate your concern, though, Conrad."
"He always was the caring nuturer." Elliot chimes in, looking up from the storyboard outlines we have laid out on the coffee table, "Should we start watching the real version so we can flesh out this outline?"
"Good idea." I agree, "We might even have time afterward to start working on the model of the city and the Stay Hard Marshmallow Man."
We all have a good chuckle at this, settling in to watch the movie in Conrad's viewing room on the biggest screen television I've ever seen. We're sitting on a sectional white leather couch that's probably bigger than the Curious Goods kitchen. Micki, as usual when lounging with me because she's comfortable, is sitting way too close. Her head is on my shoulder and she has her legs flung halfway across my lap. Fawnsworth has served popcorn, which we all munch happily. Her mouth moves close to my ear, "Nothing's going to change between us, you know."
"I know." I answer lowly.
"We're just doing a job like any other." she adds.
"Agreed." I reply, "We're also getting that 'what-if' factor out of the way. Now you'll be able to stop wondering what it's like to sleep with me. Well, not sleep, really..."
She pinches me in the side, hard, "Eat your own words, Dallion. If anyone's doing the wondering, it's you." she whispers.
"Such ego." I crack back, "This means nothing. It's an easy way to earn twenty grand, that's *all*." Oh, if only that were true, "We're saving the store."
"Good. Just so we know where we stand. I don't want it to get weird between us."
"It's a bit late for that, don't you think?"

***********************************************************************

The synopsis of the film is as follows: The Gozer the Slutstroyer Twins (aptly named Keymaster and Gatekeeper) send Evil Slut Ghosts to wreak havoc on the city. Egon and pals invent photon condoms, when worn, allows you to fuck the slut ghost back into it's own dimension, which, in turn, prompts them to form the Slutbusters. They hire Janine Whoreowitz as their secretary, whom Egon ends up fucking on the reception desk once hired and gets head from continually throughout the film. Meanwhile, Winston gets a call to the Public Library and does battle with photon condom and sexy Librarian Slut Ghost, nailing her against the bookshelf until she dissolves into her own dimension. Elliot's gonna work that one out, he's an effects pro. Peter makes a housecall to Dana, who complains of lesbian ghosts in her refrigerator that are keeping her up half the night, and one thing leads to another after she tries but fails to show him her lesbo refrigerator ghosts. They do the horizontal lambada on the coffee table. After that, we're gonna cut to Ray in a 'hotel' (we'll use the upstairs hallway in the north wing), pursuing and 'battling' the SlimerSlut Ghost, which will be an actress slathered in enough green makeup to come off on Andy and make it appear that he was 'slimed'. We'll cut to Egon and Janine from there; he'll be reading some mythology about the Gozer Twins, she'll be giving him head. Winston and Ray will come back from doing their duty and that's when they'll figure out that it's all coming from Dana's apartment building and the epicenter of activity is in her apartment. They begin to rush over, meanwhile, back at Dana's, Peter's on a bathroom break when Dana gets possessed by an evil demon slut succubi that plans to kill him. He walks in at the end of the possession and puts a photon condom on just in time. The boys burst in to confront the Gozer Twins; Winston and Ray getting sucked into Dana's refrigerator, and they prompt Ray into thinking of the Stay Hard Marshmallow Man, who begins stomping through the city and knocking over buildings with his dick. Possessed Dana drags Peter into the bedroom in tandem and starts to fuck him senseless until she realizes he's wearing a photon condom, but it's too late, because he's overpowered her and has begun to do away with the demon inside. This is where we'll split screen and have Winston sneak up behind the twins as Ray attacks. Janine and Egon will be in front of the fridge, Janine giving Egon head as Ray and Winston pound the Gozer Twins away. Peter simulataneously depossesses Dana, Winston and Ray are freed from the fridge, and the Slutbusters are triumphant. Marshmallow goo covers the model city. End Movie.
"This may be, hands down, the best Idea for a porno, EVER." Andy comments as he, Conrad, Elliot, and myself work on the construction of the model city in Conrad's garage, "I mean, the thing with the split screen fucking at the end, now that's just genius."
Conrad slaps me a high-five wordlessly and we fall right back into painting windows on mini high-rises.
"Shouldn't you start thinking about your porn names?" Elliot asks Andy and I, nudging Conrad, "We got Bart Manpower over here; what about you guys?"
Andy doesn't skip a beat, "Kurt Ilingus." He answers, "I've had that one on deck since I was fourteen."
I chuckle at that as I am hit with my own fitting moniker, "Ed Wood?" I shrug.
Conrad bursts into laughter and the rest of us follow suit. We're still chuckling when Fawnsworth and Micki pull back into the garage in the Towncar. They approach us with armloads of bags of clothing, costume masks, and makeup.
"Ooh, model making!" Micki says as Conrad rings a little bell at his side. His maid Deelicious appears and relieves her of her load, bringing it all inside with Fawnsworth as Micki joins us.
Elliot's still chuckling a little, "What about you? What's *your* porn name that you're gonna use for the movie?"
Micki picks up the storyboard and flips through it, "How about Betty Able, as in, I can't believe I'm even able to do this. Ryan, you have us doing it on a coffee table?"
The guys howl in laughter as I shrug, "Either that or the floor. You just can't bone on a couch in porn and make it good. Not enough decent angles." I explain as she turns about a thousand shades of red.
"Forget that I asked." she mumbles, thumbing through the pages a bit more with her head down. Did I hit a nerve? "Hmm, this does seem to have more of a plot than your average Adult Feature."
"You kidding, Girl? This is gonna be my crowning jewel! I've already pitched the idea to my investors and they are beside themselves, freaking the fuck out. All we have to do now is cast this bitch, build a few extra set pieces, and we got ourselves a *hit*."
"Don't forget we need to pick up a surplus of ecto-green condoms, too, chief." Andy chimes, "Fucking the slut ghosts back into their own dimension; Where do you come up with this shit, Ry?"
"Let's just say I'm prone to strange shit and leave it at that." I half-joke with him, glancing at Micki. She's sporting the cutest little smirk, and she's the *only* one that's really in on the joke. Strange Shit. She knows it, too.


4: Auditions, Introductions, and Porno Monikers

We finished the model city over the course of yesterday evening, and put in the fireman's pole and platform in the garage this morning. Now, we are in the pool house, setting up a table to interview prospective talent for the feature. Surreal. It's been so long since I've even done the deed, really, that being saturated in sex has been almost too much to really take in. I can't help but feel just a little more excited around Micki. Holy shit. She really is a saint for doing this. Said it before and I'll say it again. Girls have been known to bristle under the same circumstances, even when innocent life is involved, but she's chosen to sacrifice decorum for the greater good. She's such a giver.
Not that we didn't have about a hundred conversations about how this would not affect our current relationship, this was a test to see how much weirdness we could take, and why shouldn't we do this since we like each other as people and we got paid a mad amount of money? And on and on. Every free moment that we're not working on something it seems like we're reassuring each other about this and that. But really, all I want to do now is just get to that scene on the coffee table. What she's wearing today isn't helping me out. The tight black skirt she's got on has this very imagination-inspiring slit high up the back, and every time she bends over I have to look away or I might go cardiac. Plus, her thin grey sweater fits like a glove, but still allows for a little jiggle, so she's basically walking, talking sex today. I am going to have to prepare thoroughly before our big debut in porn, or we're bound to have the shortest scene in history.
Hey, you may think I'm a bit gaga right now, but I have *nothing* on Mr. Andy Botwin. Or even Elliot and Conrad, for that matter. I've had time to allow her overwhelming hotness to sink in. They've been sideblinded, and are practically hypnotized. I catch every one of them staring at her constantly. She's like the elephant in the room, everyone's thinking about it but no one dares to vocalize it, save for Andy. He's a little more openly flirtatious than the rest of us, even though she and I are still letting them think that she's my girlfriend. I convinced her it would be best; otherwise, those three would be on her like a pack of hyenas on a fresh kill. I didn't tell *her* that, though. Instead, I believe I said something along the lines of if we revealed the fact we'd never done it before it might pose a problem. I left it at that and she didn't argue. I was and still am beyond relieved.
So it doesn't bother me as much that Andy's practically tripping over himself to relieve her of the folding chairs she's hefting over to the long table Conrad, Elliot, and I just set up, "Allow *me*, Your Royal Beautiful." he tells her, replete with bow and goofy grin.
"Thank you, Andy." She smirks. We catch glances and she addresses me, "You ready to cast, Mr. Director?" she asks, following behind Botwin to join the rest of us.
"How is the crowd out there, Fawnsworth?" Conrad asks. Fawnsworth looks out the window, crosses over to him, and whispers in his ear, "Sausage Party, huh? But you see a couple few girls? That's positive. You can go ahead and start letting them in, now."
We all take our seats behind the 'judging' table, as it were, Andy and Elliot fighting wordlessly for the seat on the other side of Micki. Elliot wins by a hair, pushing Andy off the edge of the chair with the force of his police training, undoing Andy's firm feet-planted stance with stealth-like strength. Pretty freakin' amusing. The defeated one takes the seat between Elliot and Conrad as Fawnsworth allows in the first ten 'actors'. Can I just say there are some pretty scary people that want to participate in porn? All guys, the first ten, all greasy and all wrong. Micki cringes openly at each of them. The next ten brings about a more positive response from us; there are two quite pretty (and non-scary looking) females in this set. The smiling blonde's name is Laura and her striking brunette friend's name is Audrey. They want to participate together. I think they'd be perfect for the Gozer Twins/Slimer/Librarian Ghost roles. Andy and Conrad look ecstatic right now, and are slapping each other fives under the table. Safe to say that they're in. The rest of those ten are more greasy, porno-stached men that make Micki's nose crinkle in distaste. Bring on the next batch of folks! Which to our surprise, is the last round of people, but at least it seems fruitful. There's a tall guy with sleepy hazel eyes and brown hair who has a studious but mischevious look about him that's caused an approving look to grace Micki's gorgeous face. She leans in to me, "Him. That's Egon."
"You think?" I address him, "Hey you, what's your name?"
"Hank. Hank Moody." he says, stepping before us out of line.
"What compelled you to come here today? Have you had prior experience in Adult Films?" Conrad asks.
"Well, no, this would be my first. I saw your ad in the paper, and I need some extra cash to get through school this semester." he explains in a low, not-exactly-monotone voice that perks me. Micki's right. This guy's a good Egon, "I figured, I like sex, and I like porn; I'm a big fan, actually. So why not?"
"Good answer." Andy says, nudging Elliot, "I like this guy."
A loud knocking interrupts our interview, prompting Fawnsworth to open the door. A stunningly beautiful petite redhead with large blue eyes and beestung lips walks in, "I'm sorry, I hope I'm not too late. I just read the ad about an hour ago, and it took me a while to find this place." she explains apologetically in a voice that's so sexy it curls my toes a little.
Conrad stands up, "You're hired." he says to her immediately.

********************************************************

So now we have our actors together and we're all meeting for the first script read-through in Conrad's living room. The presense of Laura, Audrey, and the redhead named Dana has taken the totality of male attention thankfully off of Micki, and Elliot, Conrad, and Andy, along with Hank (whom we picked to be Egon) are all chatting it up pleasantly fireside together as Micki and I join them. We just checked in with Jack, and all is back to rights with the store; our bills are paid in full and the ten grand was sent to the IRS; so the danger of having cursed objects back out there has been averted. Jack told us to thank Conrad profusely on his behalf for the help. If he only knew. My guess is he'd still say that we should do it. Where else would we procure that kind of money in such a small amount of time?
Conrad is beside himself right now. *Two* redheads in one feature is a major score for his team, apparently. Someone could punch him in the face a thousand times and they still wouldn't be able to wipe the smile off his face. "We should probably begin with introductions; maybe stand up, say our names, and something about ourselves." he starts as Micki and I take our seats next to him, " I'm Conrad Shepard, this is my production, and I'm playing Winston."
"He's also the only experienced pornography actor here." Elliot chimes, "I'm Elliot Stabler, I'll be doing the camera work. By day, I'm working toward becoming an officer of the law."
Andy stands up, "Name's Andy Botwin; I'm a man-about-town, and am also a student of the Culinary Arts. I'm playing Ray."
"I'm Hank Moody. I'm going to the U, majoring in English. I hope to be a novelist of some sort eventually. I'm playing Egon."
"My name is Dana Scully, I'm pre-med, and have no time in my studies to hold down a part-time job to pay my tuition. This seemed a lucrative and logical step toward solving my financial problems. Oh, and I'll be playing Janine."
"Ryan Dallion and Micki Foster." I say, standing, "We own an antique store out west, and we'll be playing Peter and Dana. I'm also the director." I volunteer as Micki gives a shy wave.
"I'm Laura Palmer..."
"...and I'm Audrey Horne. We're both 18 and from a small town in Washington called Twin Peaks."
"It started to get *way* weird there, so we ran away together to Chicago and both work as waitresses in a diner downtown." Laura finishes, "I'll be playing the Keymaster/Librarian Slut."
"And I'm the Gatekeeper/Slimer." Audrey adds, smiling and giving Andy a little glance.
"Laura Palmer and Audrey Horne." Hank comments, "Great porn names, by the way."
Agreed. I thought this too.
"We get to have porn names?" Audrey asks excitedly, "What's yours, Hank?"
What? Those are real? Awesome.
"Mike Honcho. Subtle but effective." he answers, looking at Dana, "What about you? Do you have something in mind?"
"Drawing a blank." Dana answers, "What're yours?" she asks the rest of us.
"Betty Able." (Micki)
"Ed Wood." (Me)
"Bart Manpower." (Conrad)
"Kurt Ilingus." (Andy)
"Those are really good." Laura comments, "I want a cool porn name, too!"
"You can always use the name of your first pet and the first street that you lived on." Andy tells them, "Surefire method."
Dana's eyes widen and a hand goes to her mouth as she stifles a giggle, "Um, Precious Canal." she chuckles, goading us all into full blown laughter.
Laura is doubled over, clutching her abdomen and wheezing, "Oh no! Fluffy Bush!" she states as we all howl.
Audrey practically has tears streaming down her cheeks, "Roscoe....128th!" she manages out. We pause in confusion for a second before erupting again in cackles. For some reason this is the funniest thing I've ever heard. It makes sense, I suppose. We started this out with an introductory note straight from A/A. The awkward bubble has popped, and the funny seems funnier.
I take in the cast; not what you'd necessarily think of when the word "Porn Star" comes to mind, but I have a feeling this is going to work to our advantage. Andy's going to school to be a chef, Hank's going to be a writer, and Dana's going to be a *doctor*, of all things. Wow. The future doctors of America. Not to mention Laura and Audrey, small town girls working in the big city and just throwing caution to the wind for a little extra cash. Or myself and Micki, for that matter, being the proprieters of an antique store. We're all attractive, relatively normal looking people; now in an Adult movie for international overseas viewing. I wonder if this happens all over America, and nobody knows about it because nobody ever sees it?
"Now that's all out of the way, do you want to get this read-through started?" I say after the laughter dies down.
Micki stands after I hand her a stack of scripts and begins to pass them out. She lingers a bit when she reaches Hank, "A writer, huh?" she says as they play a flirtatious tug-of-war with his script.
He nods, giving her an interested look as if to say 'If only I could get you alone' as she releases the pages into his grasp, "The director's girlfriend, huh?" Hank sends right back her way. Smart guy. Know when to say when, Mr. Moody.
Micki casts me a glance of mild irritation that only I catch as she finishes her task and takes her seat next to me. "You know, Ryan," she whispers in my ear, "I think we should start seeing other people." she jokes, shooting Hank another glance.
I pass a look from Dana to Audrey, neither of whom I would kick out of bed for eating cookies (or crackers, hell, anything crumblike, they're forgiven), hoping Micki catches it, "Why don't we at least wait until we get that first scene out of the way." I tell her, "Then we can out ourselves as a non-couple, if you want."
She nods silently, shifting her chair a little closer as she rests her chin on my shoulder, "I guess that'll be alright." she relents.


5: Truth or Dare and Show me Yours

The read through went well. We're not going to win any acting awards, but it went smoothly enough. Laura and Audrey didn't even bat an eyelash at the girl-on-girl copulation scenes. "We were sort of anticipating that kind of thing." Audrey had said to the delight of every man in the room. This beats the hell out of directing the High School One Act Play, that's for sure. Our actresses are all top notch lookers, for one; luckily I had my script in my lap when Dana commented that 'it looked like she was going to be on her knees a lot in this movie'. Jesus. I wouldn't mind playing doctor with that one. Between her utterance of that in her phone sex voice of hers and Micki's constant closeness (every time she moves a leg, that slit in her skirt gives just one awesome peek after another), my erection has been uncalmable. I can't even move from my chair now that it's all over. At least most of us, save Elliot because he had to hit the gym, are still lingering and getting to know one another, so it's not like I have to. That's a bonus.
Conrad's already getting pretty cozy with Laura, and she's reciprocating flamboyantly. A smiling blonde with an inner freak, this would be a good description for Laura Palmer. Case stated, she's straddling his lap and they're discussing positions for their scenes together in a flirtatious but casual way. Andy has cornered Audrey and begun his Gomez schtick, which Micki notices and rolls her eyes in my direction in a knowing smirk. She's still at my side; Hank and Dana are sitting on the couch closest to us and we've began an easy, gettin' to know ya repore.
"Have any of you ever been naked in front of anyone out of the confines of privacy?" Hank asks the three of us.
Dana shakes her head no as I shrug, "Does streaking at 12 count?" I quip. Hank nods, "Then yes. Yes, I have."
Micki and Dana giggle, "One time playing Truth or Dare," Micki admits, "When I was 16 my friends dared me to run naked down my driveway and then locked me out of my house."
The image of her description forces me to cross my legs, "What happened?" I ask, "Did they let you back in?"
"I had to crawl in through an unlocked window, but not before a few of the junior high boys in my neighborhood got a real good look. I was mortified!"
"Those were some lucky kids." Hank deadpans, "Do you know what hoops a boy that age has to jump through to see a naked girl? I'll bet you were like manna from Heaven."
We all get a good laugh out of this, and Micki finally makes a response after a few beats, "What about you, Hank Moody? Have you ever been caught with your pants down?"
"My response is a positive, Micki Foster." He laughs, "I was practicing coital contact with a cheerleader in the girl's locker room in High School. It was one of those popular girl slumming moments, being that I was the odd loner. Long story short, the entire girl's Volleyball team piled in fresh from an away game and busted us."
"Lame." I respond in awe. The luck of this guy. I'm tempted to wipe the drool from Micki's mouth right now. Dana's looking a bit starry-eyed herself, gazing at his face like he's the eighth wonder.
"Did you get in trouble?" Dana asks as her and Micki cross their legs in unison.
"I had to transfer schools. It was a bum deal because I was a senior." Hank laughs, "Plus, they didn't give me any time to bask in my legendary status. Not that I'm one to brag." He adds, staring at Dana for a few beats and flashing a smile.
I get hit with inspiration, "Hey, Truth or Dare!" I exclaim, forcing everyone in the room to look in my direction, "What a great way to break the ice! I mean, since we're going to be in a porno together, we need to be comfortable around each other, right?"
"Hey, that's not a bad idea, Ry-D." Conrad says, looking up from the blonde on his lap.
Audrey smiles widely, "Yeah! I love that game!"
Micki throws me a look that reads 'what are you up to?', arching an eyebrow, "As long as no one dares me to run nude down the driveway, I guess I'm in." she says, cautiously.
Andy snaps his fingers comically, "Drat! Foiled my plan!" he jokes.
"Whaddya say, Dana?" Hank asks her, "A little Truth or Dare is good for the soul."
"How does that even make sense?" she cracks.
"It doesn't. So, who's gonna call this sucker?" he addresses the bulk of us.
"I think Ryan should do the honors, since it was his idea." Laura suggests.
"I second that motion." Conrad pitches in.
"Motion thirded, let the Dallion be served!" Andy finishes, "Do it up."
Perverse thoughts cascade through my brain, "Okay. But I want to lay down a few rules before we begin."
"Good idea." Dana agrees.
"Rule #1: Nothing Illegal. We don't need to have the cops called. Rule #2: Open participation is required, and you can choose to opt for Double Dare if the dare or truth given is something you'd rather not share. Rule #3:..."
"Fuck Rule #3 Dallion." Hank interrupts, "Just pick someone, already."
I suck in a breath, "Shit. Truth or Dare....Audrey."
Audrey raises a perfectly arched brow, "Dare." she giggles playfully.
Somehow I knew she'd pick 'dare'. Which is why I landed on her, "I dare you to kiss the girl of your choice in this room for five seconds on the lips."
Her face breaks into a grin as all the men in the room explode with "Niiiiicccce!" and titters of "Hell, yeah!"
"Any girl present that would like to opt out of kissing Audrey should speak now before she decides." I add graciously.
To my utter surprise, not one of them says a word. Audrey does a slow, seductive stroll around the room with her hands folded behind her back in quiet contemplation at the small of her back. She stops when she reaches myself, Micki, and Dana, snatching Micki from our fold and curling an arm around her waist. "Ready?" she asks her politely.
Micki looks a little anxious but has barely given a nod when Audrey's lips graze hers, and the room is treated to a truly outstanding kiss by two intrinsically delicious persons of the female persuasion. It quickly turns rather heated, with what appears to be a little tongue and a lot of nibbling of the lips. They're so near, barely feet away from me. Doing *that*. That marvelous, beautiful act, right in front of me. Andy's wolf whistle, Conrad's applause, and Hank's awestruck "Awesome" bring me back to reality somewhat, yet this still seems rather dreamlike. I mean, come *on*. Micki's kissing another woman right in front of me. Never in an infinity of time did I believe this would happen.
Dana clears her throat, "I believe it's been a little more than five seconds."
They break away shyly, both sporting the cutest little involuntary grins.
"Great way to start things off, Dallion." Hank says, patting me on the back, then glances down, "Fuck, I hope you brought some nails." he chuckles.
I take a look down myself. Shit. I'm growing a hat rack down there. Hank slaps a script against my chest, and I move it down to my offending object in a hurry, "Thanks."
"Can't say I'm not there myself." he cracks. I notice he's also holding a script. So are Conrad and Andy.
This is gonna be an interesting game. Oh, well. I did it to myself. Luckily, my boys have my back.

***********************************************

Our game of Truth or Dare was um, shall we say, pretty exploratory overall. Everybody got dared to kiss Everybody; Andy was dared to dance around the room with an oven mitt balanced on his head as he sang "Word Up" by Cameo in his Calvins; Laura was dared to eat an entire giant bowl of ice-cream in under a minute, inducing a terrible brainfreeze; not to mention that Dana divulged that her first time had taken place in the back of a Volkswagon (which apparently is very uncomfortable); and that Conrad is still afraid of the dark.
My most memorable moment from last night was kissing Micki for the first time. Laura dared us (well, me) to do it, stating that for a couple that was about to be in a porno, we sure didn't do a lot of PDA, and that she wanted to see us 'lock lips'.
Conrad agreed, "Ya know, I ain't seen you two pucker up since you got here."
"Normally, we're pretty private." Micki answered quietly, looking at her shoes and lying through her teeth.
"Well, you better get un-private real fast." Conrad reminded us, "You're about to be doing the most intimate of intimates in front of all of us, so chop-chop. Practice makes perfect."
We looked at each other and shrugged. I just went for it, and kissed her like I meant it. Well, it wasn't a lie on my part, but it felt like she meant it, too. It was thorough, and it was good. Actually, 'good' is a gross understatement. I felt as if choirs of angels were singing, along with a punch drunk dizzy sensation that zipped through my being when she nibbled on my lips. It seems that she's a nibbler, and according to my reaction last night, I like this. Again, 'like'. Another gross understatement. 'On Fire' for this would justify as being more succinct. I couldn't control myself, much less my hands' crude exploratory efforts upon her body after she started to nibble. It did me in. By the way, her body...oh, my. It felt like art. Like a work of art. How the hell am I going to keep my control long enough to ever fuck her properly for the porno? To say she's the Jack Lalane of good kissers would be a decent metaphor to describe the feeling of her mouth on my own. I haven't had a better one before, and this was after we'd kissed everyone else in the room.
"Shit, we let the cat out of the bag, didn't we?' Andy joked, "Okay, we believe you. You two probably fuck like monsters, we get it. Give someone else a chance."
Thinking about that leads to jealous thoughts of Micki locking lips with the other guys in the room. It was pretty disturbing seeing her and Conrad, namely since other than ours, theirs lasted a while that bordered on highly uncomfortable. The worst was Micki/Hank, though. It was like the guy from "Temple of Doom" ripped my heart out and showed it to me, it was *that* passionate. I wanted to choke him, but I kept my cool.
Aside from the fact that it seems that Micki wants to jump his bones, I don't really have a problem with Hank. He's a solid guy, and it's sort of hard to really hate that, no matter how much I really want to. Besides, it seems as though he's more interested in Dana. They left together last night after we wrapped things up, so who knows? I shouldn't be too worried.
What am I saying? She's my best friend and will never be anything more than that. This is just a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that involves a pantload of money. One that will never come by again in a zillion. I should just appreciate that for what it is.
To be fair, Dana is also pretty talented at the act of the liplock, and both Laura and Audrey got me a little tingly, as well. However, Micki just knocked it out of the park. In my memory, they all pale in comparison to her. Sucks to be me, what can I say, but it's an age old story that's been recycled for generations. I'm not the first man to fall head over heels for his female best friend, nor will I be the last. I *can* do my best to see what's in front of my face and take what I can get and be grateful for it.
It's a blessing just to be in her presense.
Also, today's the day that we have sex.
Yup. Our scene is this evening, following the afternoon shoot of Conrad and Laura in the library, a.k.a. Winston and the Librarian SlutGhost. It is presently early morning, barely closing in on 8 a.m. maybe, and I lay on the giant sofa in the suite Conrad provided for us, just on pins and fucking needles. I hear a key fiddling in the door and hightail it into the bed with a sleeping Micki sprawled half out of the covers, diving in with stealth enough to not sound like I just hopped into bed. I close my eyes, throw an arm across her hip, and drag her slightly toward me in a sleepy way that would convince an onlooker that I had been in that bed all night, and was just searching for my mate.
A bell rings and we both sit up in tandem at the sound, greeted by Fawnsworth with a serving cart, "Mr. Shepard has sent breakfast-in-bed this morning." he announces.
Micki looks confused, glancing at myself, then at Fawnsworth, but tames her reaction before it's recognizable to anyone but me, "How lovely."
"Could you just leave the cart by the bed, Fawnsworth?" I ask him, "I could use a few more minutes before I eat."
"Very good, Mr. Dallion." he nods, "Can I assist either of you in anything else?"
"This is above and beyond, really." Micki says to him, "Thank you, Fawnsworth."
"A pleasure, Miss Foster." he replies as he exits the room.
"Close call." I mutter after a few beats, "Good morning, Micki."
"Good morning, Ryan." she replies in a yawn, "Could you be a terrific fake boyfriend and pour me a cup of coffee?"
I nod dumbly. She could ask me to do anything right now and I'd jump, as long as she's wearing that little black nightie. I serve us a couple of cups, adding her usual amount of cream and sugar before sitting next to her. She accepts my offering with a sleepy smile.
"Last night got a little wild, didn't it?' I comment casually, sipping at my steaming cup, "Looks like there's fresh fruit and waffles for breakfast." I add, indicating the serving cart with a nod.
"Yum. I could get used to this." she smiles, "Personally, I thought last night was a real eye opener."
"Are you still willing to go through with all this debauchery?" I kid her.
"We've already been paid; there's no turning back *now*." Pause. "I'll admit, I'm a little nervous. What about you? Are you having a few directorial jitters this morning? It is, after all, the first day of filming."
I crack a grin and answer honestly, "I can testify to a few butterflies in the old basket. I was almost thinking that it wouldn't be a bad idea to at least see each other naked before our big scene this evening so we're not as taken by surprise." Did I really just say that out loud? The thought did cross my brain, mainly as a precursory measure so I don't cause any premature endings to our scene, but I wasn't trying to blurt it out like that.
Her faces reads suspicious, a little wary, "Okay." she relents, setting her coffee down on the nightstand.
What's going on? I watch her as she slides off the bed, perplexed, and just like that, off goes the little nightie over her head in a liquid blur. Is this really happening? I'm pinching myself, and it keeps hurting, but I don't believe it. Good *saints*, the woman is a stunning sight. Micki seriously has a historic pair. They are visually majestic and altogether even more perfect than I had imagined. I realize that I am gaping at her in disbelief and try to regain some modicum of cool. "*Very* nice." I manage after taking a deep breath and setting my own coffee down. I will spill it.
"Your turn." Micki teases in a voice that's tinged with nervous laughter.
Dammit. Here's a question: Why is it that when a beautiful woman is naked she is akin to poetry, but when a man is naked (and noticeably aroused), no matter what he looks like, it gets downright embarrassing? I have a BIG problem down there right now. She has me at a place where I could slay dragons with this thing. Excaliber. Reluctantly, I pry my gaze away from her smooth and perfect alabaster body long enough to relieve myself of my Echo and the Bunnymen t-shirt and stand in front of her. "Warning: There will be morning wood. Mother Nature is not being kind this morning." I comment as she hooks her fingers in the sides of her black underwear. I do the same with my own set of black and blue buffalo plaid boxers. "On three?"
"If you want to make this more awkward." Micki shoots as she slides her underwear down her legs, then tosses them at my chest, "Jesus, Ryan, be an adult."
Goaded by the fire bomb of her panties, (She's awesome. I mean it) I shove my boxers down off my hips in annoyance and kick them to the side. I'll show her adult. "Happy?" I can't help but snarl.
Micki eyes go wide and she starts shaking with giggles, "*Something's* happy." she cracks before clamping a hand over her mouth.
"Thank God we're getting this over with now." Man, I knew I was going to be embarrassed. Lil' Ryan is standing at full attention, and there's no possibility that he'll be making an exit any time soon. Not with her standing naked right in front of me, promised land fully within reach. Her laughter is like a machete and it cuts me down, though. Emotionally Dejected, that's my new middle name.
"Ryan, I'm sorry." she giggles, attempting to regain composure, "It just caught me off guard, that's all. I guess you're right, I'm glad we got this out of the way before filming." She pauses to allow me to speak, but I can't say a word. All I can do is stare. "Actually, I've never seen one stand up so straight before. It's impressive." Micki adds to my surprise, "You should be proud."
"I find that hard to believe that I'm the only one." I take in a breath, "Not looking the way you do, anyway. I'd figure most mens' reactions would be typically the same to mine."
She shakes her head, "Nuh-uh." A small smile plays on her lips, "So that's not *all* morning wood, then?" Her eyes dare to glance down for a second, then back to catch mine in a gaze.
I slowly shake my own head, "Nope." I smile as we continue our staredown. I have this funny feeling that we might just do a test drive before the big show. She's glowing, and I like the look she has in her eyes. I'm about to advance when...
"Awww, *hell* no!" Conrad bursts in. He's the King of Interruptions, "I must have forgot to have Fawnsworth tell you no sex on the day of filming until your ass is in front of those cameras. We want the Fuckin' to be fresh." he says hurriedly, noticing Micki in the buff as she scurries to fetch her robe, "God *damn*, we're gonna have a stellar picture." he comments in admiration, then shakes it off, turning his attention to me, who at the moment is using a throw pillow to cover my rager, "I caught y'all just in time, huh? You two were about to fuck, weren't you?"
"Not that it's any of your business." Micki quips at him, tieing her robe closed.
Wow. So we *were* about to take a test drive. I knew it. Thanks a lot, buddy.
Conrad chuckles and shakes his head, "But it *is* my business, Mi-chelle my Belle. It is my business."

***************************************************

6: The Erotic Misadventures of Mike Honcho and Precious Canal

Our producer and director of photography have concluded that we are to begin filming earlier than scheduled. Apparently, Elliot and Conrad decided it would start things off on a good note if we shot the Egon/Janine scene first. Conrad mentioned it on the way out the door of our suite as he was leaving, noting that he wanted to take advantage of Dana and Hank's chemistry as long as it was still there, 'cause that shit was poppin' last night.' I believe were his exact words. I can't blame him for breaking up the party that almost happened between Micki and I this morning. He's just protecting his interests. Anxious doesn't seem like a strong enough adjective to convey my feelings about our upcoming scene now that I've seen her naked. Though in retrospect, it was certainly a good idea. I wouldn't like her startled laughter at my erection to be caught on film, that's for sure. We're currently in the large back room of Conrad's massive garage. It has been converted to look like the Firehouse headquarters for the Slutbusters, made possible by the firepole, a few file cabinets lining the walls, cubicles that were installed yesterday and a few office desks. All in all, this looks pretty legit. Our actors have all showed up, Dana and Hank are in wardrobe, and Conrad and I are finalizing the shots with Elliot. We're closing in on noon right now, making great time. Micki, Audrey, and Laura appear in the doorway just as we're finishing with the camera set up, and Laura clears her throat dramatically.
"Presenting: Egon Studler and Janine Whoreowitz!" Laura introduces as Hank and Dana make their big entrance.
Delighted laughter and applause overcomes us all as we take note of Micki and the girls' handiwork in the costume department. Hank is donning the standard Slutbuster uniform: sleeveless navy blue coveralls with surplus combat boots and utility belt stocked with ecto-green condoms. There's a patch on his left chest of his coverall that's emblazoned with the word Studler, and his skin is a little on the shiny side. I wonder if Micki oiled him up personally. I need to kill these feelings of jealousy. It's not a good look for me. Speaking of good looks, Dana looks good enough to eat. Her red hair is arranged on the top of her head in a loose bun, very secretarial, but the rest of her not so much. Unless you're a secretary in a porno, that is. In her case, the tight black miniskirt with garters, matching sheer thigh-high stockings, little white blouse tied up to just under breasts, and black stilleto heels work to her advantage nicely. Her look is completed with round black framed glasses and bright red lips. Looking at the two of them, I have new inspiration that just might work to our advantage. Yeah. *Hell* yeah.
"You guys look *fantastic*." Andy exclaims, carrying in a box of prop files shortly after them and setting them in the vicinity of the desk in the center of the room. Otherwise known as their mark, since that's where we've blocked a majority of the skin between Egon and Janine.
"Thanks." they answer together, casting each other anxious looks. I wouldn't say they look eager, but I can't help but recognize the air they're both projecting. I'm still feeling a little of that anxiety myself.
Conrad takes a stance next to me, smiling wide enough to be infecting. He's jazzed about his work, "This is gonna be money as hell! We're starting with you two cause your chemistry is bangin' and we want that energy, so play it up, y'all! Have fun; and the best advice that I can give you is forget about the rest of us. We ain't even here. Now, pay attention to my boy Ry-D, he'll set you up for your scene."
"Nobody else is here." Dana echoes as she and Hank nod blankly at Conrad.
Hank shakes himself, "So, Mr. Director, what's our motivation for this situation?" He asks, slapping his hands together and rubbing them comically.
Dana nudges him playfully while I begin my answer, "I'm thinking that since Egon and Janine have the employer/employee relationship, that we're gonna play up that concept and base their interactions in the master/servant realm of play."
"Like Dominant and Submissive?" Dana interjects.
"*Exactly* Janine! We'll begin the scene after you've been hired and the rest of the Slutbusters have left the two of you alone. Let's say Egon starts demanding you to perform light secretarial tasks in seductive ways and try to take it from there. Maybe he gets you to crawl on your hands and knees. Whatever works."
"Should there be spanking?" Hank asks.
"Do anything you two are comfortable with. Just make it as real and as hot as you can, and I don't think there'll be any problem with us pulling off a great scene." I tell them with a hand on each of their shoulders, "Now I want you, Dana, at the chair behind the desk here, and I think it would be best if we start Hank off by entering the room from the back bullpen, so to speak. Just keep in mind to stay in the vicinity of the masking tape on the floor so that you stay in the shot, but other than that, go nuts."
Elliot is behind the main camera/video monitor set-up next to the director's chair, giving me the thumbs up, "Looks pretty fucking good, Geldorf." he yells at me, "I got Andy on boom mic detail; are you two ready for him to get on that ladder?"
"You guys all set?" I ask them. They give me a couple of nervous nods, "Good to go!" I answer Elliot, making my way out of the shot to my director's chair next to Conrad's producer chair and the main camera. He even got me a cool bullhorn. "Quiet on the set!" I call. A fella could get used to this, "Marker!"
Audrey appears in front of the camera and slams down the marker, announcing, "Slutbusters; Scene ten, take one!" and quickly moves back out of shot to join Laura and Micki in the girl's circle over by the refreshments Fawnsworth had prepared.
"Action!"
They start off a little shaky; Hank's room entrance borders on awkward and Dana's rifling through random desk papers isn't the most convincing acting I've ever seen, but then they begin their dialogue and all of my doubts flit away. They actually *good*. 'Egon' has just asked 'Janine' what sort of team player she could be, and she just responded with "Whichever one he'd like her to be." Nice. Now he has her stapling a stack of papers, slowly, as he breathes down her neck. "Take your time." he says, moving from behind her and the desk off to the side. "It would please me greatly, Janine, if you fetched those invoices for me. You should be on your hands and knees when you deliver them."
The exchange between these two is better than I could have hoped for. It's already hot in here, and they're not even down to business yet. Dana/Janine gives Hank/Egon a curious glance, smirking as she places the 'invoices' she just stapled on the edge of the desk. She then proceeds to get down on her hands and knees, retrieving the papers with her teeth and lips with slow deliberation and begins a very sexy crawl toward him. Man, this is getting good. Conrad's gripping my arm, "These two are nailing this scene to the wall!" he whispers excitedly.
No arguments here. Dana finally reaches Hank, raising to a kneeling position in front of him, and giving him a wonderfully petulant look as he recieves his papers from her mouth.
"Are you pleased, Mr. Studler?" she asks with another camera friendly smirk as he rifles through her offering.
"Actually, these are the wrong invoices, so no. I'm not pleased. We should correct errors, shouldn't we Janine?" he chastises her, helping her to her feet, "What do you think the consequences are for an error like this, Ms. Whoreowitz?"
Dana/Janine gulps visibly, "I'm new here, sir. What do you deem to be necessary for correction? Whatever it is, I'll obey." she offers helpfully.
"Turn around and put your hands on the edge of the desk." Hank/Egon orders firmly. She relents silently and swiftly, and he just as swiftly tears her miniskirt away from her bottom half, along with a slow, teasing removal of her panties. Wow. Dana has a pretty fantastic ass. It looks even cooler now that Hank's painting her backside red. I make a mistake and look over in Micki's direction, who's watching the two with flushed arousal in her cheeks and appears to be hypnotized. Fuck. Hank. No wonder she's so intrigued. As the director, I can't lose my concentration, so I snap out of it as best I can and turn my attentions back to my actors, who have finished their spanking sequence and have commenced kissing with wild fervor. This is moving along nicely. Dana's having slight problems removing Hank's coveralls, but it's nothing she can't handle, and soon she's got them off and is working on her own blouse.
I could definitely reconsider my career path. This is too good. Phenomenal, even. Not every day you get to see a beautiful woman get piped right in front of you. Pretty powerful stuff. Hank sweeps everything off the desk with his free arm before depositing Dana on it and crawling on top of her, "I want you to do another thing for me, Janine." Hank utters in a raspy voice as he hovers over her, "Try not to scream as I fuck your brains out."
Holy shit. I think I'm going to need to take a whack break soon. They've *really* started going for it now, and I think they truly have forgotten about the rest of us. Hank and Dana don't seem to be aware of anything except what they're doing to each other. Which is pure porno gold, by the way. Meanwhile, Andy's overhead with the boom mic and Elliot's roving around the room silently with a hand held camera getting action and zoom shots of the scene at hand. Conrad looks stoked, as he should be. These two have covered a good four positions by now and have been going solid for a while; ope, correction. *Five* positions. They've moved from the top of the desk to it's side, where he's giving it to her from behind with one hand in her hair, tugging her head to the side to suck on her neck as they pound the scene home. These two should win Academy Awards for boning. I'm like a proud papa. Dana lets out a perfect whimper, accompanied by Hank's loud groan signaling their climax. How perfect. They even genuinely came together. I call "Cut" when they stop moving completely, and the entire room bursts into applause.
"That kicked so much ass! You two took that scene to church!" Conrad exclaims happily as Laura rushes over to them with a couple of robes.
Hank looks breathlessly at Dana as they shrug on their cover-ups, "So, uh, can I call you later tonight?" he asks shyly, grinning involuntarily.
She blushes, "Sure." she says, looking down at her toes.
"Set Break!" I call, "We'll need a good 20 to a half-hour!"
After a scene like that, I'm gonna need some solo time to regain my bearings. Good Lord.
A collective male sigh of relief whooshes through the set, and the room clears quickly. Small favors that we're in a mansion with a shitload of bathrooms. I'm glad that at least it's not just me, but seriously. You'd have to be dead.


7: Ed Wood, Betty Able, and the Big Bow-Chica-Wow-Wow

I am mildly befuddled at how well this production has been going. Hank and Dana knocked out a perfect scene in one take, and we recently finished filming Conrad and Laura in the library. We did four takes altogether, and only because Laura had the giggles with a little of the opening dialogue. Man, were they ever professional once it got going; they gave us a good eight positions, ending with Conrad banging Laura against a bookcase as she screamed "Send me Home!" in an endless mantra. Convincing *and* in character. Incredible.
Conrad's already begun blowing about teaming up with her in future films. I have to admit that they also had great on-screen chemistry. There have been no shortage of set breaks. Which has been positive for me. I think I'm ready for our scene, now that it's about to happen. It's after dinner break, and we are set up in Conrad's personal wing, which has the right look for an apartment, being that it has it's own kitchen and living room along with a bedroom tucked toward the back. Plus, the decor is all Don Johnson pastels, which could translate just as easily into a woman's place. I didn't tell that to Conrad, though. He has a mean aim. I wouldn't want to be all bruised up for our big debut. I've just strapped myself into my Slutbuster jumpsuit and Laura has burst into the bathroom behind me to rub me down with oil, followed by Elliot to discuss blocking and angles. No rest for the wicked.
Audrey and Dana are getting Micki ready in the bedroom with her costume and makeup. I wonder which one is rubbing her down with oil? Now I'm realizing that I need to quell thoughts such as these. Filming, much less directing attractive people doing it live in front of me has transformed me into some sort of permanent boner monster. Also, the image of Micki standing naked in front of me this morning keeps interplaying on a loop in my mind along with some of the finer points of the day. Not helping me one iota.
I can't believe we're actually gonna go through with this.
Elliot finishes with me and busies himself with finalizing the shot set up, shortly after Laura finishes her essential oil rubdown and joins Conrad and Andy over by the monitors. I'm debating whether or not to close this bathroom door and engage in another pre-emptive strike when the back bedroom door opens and Dana and Audrey emerge.
"She's *gorgeous*, Ryan." Audrey beams as they float on past me.
"Have fun." Dana echoes teasingly in passing.
"You're going to be a tough act to follow, Miss Precious Canal." I say over my shoulder.
Micki steps into the doorway and I am blown away by her hotness. God-damn. She's got on this short little pink floral kimono and matching silk stilletos, her hair is down and a little wild, and her makeup is without flaw. She's glowing, and very pretty in pink. "Ed Wood, I presume?"
"Why Betty Able, as I live and breathe." I joke in a southern accent, "You look...I mean, you're always pretty stunning, but this is just...*Wow*." I fumble as she gives an embarrassed-for-me grin. We're scheduled to do it, pretty much. I would be shocked if I *weren't* at least somewhat tongue tied.
"You look great, Ryan." she compliments back, "I think I'm feeling ready to do this."
"Me too."
"I don't feel like a bad person going through with this, either."
"There's no reason why you should. I sure don't feel that way. This has been a lot of fun so far." I say in jovial defense, inching closer and getting an arm around her waist.
"Yes, surprisingly so." she replies as I lead her into the 'living room' area, "More fun than what we normally do, at any rate."
"I could film the act of coitus for the rest of my life and die a happy man." I add in a nonchalant tone.
"I'd be happy for you. You're really talented at this." Micki praises, "I've been pleased with your performance so far; but I suppose that now comes the real test." And she resorts back to teasing.
"Just *pretend* that I'm rocking your world, will ya?" I quietly mention as Conrad approaches.
"Today my name is Katherine Hepburn." she smiles at me, pinching my cheek.
"I thought you was Dana Bare-It-All, girl!" Conrad argues.
"Yes, I am." she says to him.
"What?" he asks, confused.
"What?" she counters, equally as perplexed.
"Never mind that," Conrad ends their awkward exchange and gives us a whistle, "You two need to brush that pimp dirt off your shoulders, because you look freakin' badass. Don't let the fact that you're the main characters for this feature bug you out, either. I said it before; just forget that the rest of us are here and keep it real. Y'all are gonna take some names. I have confidence."
"Thanks Conrad." I say, "That means a lot coming from a veteran."
"Shit, you just keep being the Super Director that you are and we might just produce the greatest porno ever made." Conrad claps me on the back, "I'll leave y'all to it. Listen to your boy, Micki. He knows what he's doing."
"How should this play out, Mr. Director?" she asks in conspiracy.
I explain in a low voice, "Dana has just made a call to the Slutbusters on account of the lesbian ghosts in her fridge who are going at it all hours. They've been keeping her up at night, and heavily aroused..."
"So Dana's already switched on before Peter arrives?" she interjects.
"Correct. When he shows up at her door there's an instantly fierce mutual attraction. Have you ever come across someone that you were so attracted to, it hits you like a bolt of lightning, it's so strong?"
Micki nods, "I think I know what you mean."
I know this feeling well myself, being that's what happened when I first laid eyes on *her*, "We'll start the scene with me knocking on your door, dialoguedialogue; Dana shows Peter the fridge, there's no ghosts, argumentdialogue; then Peter offers to help Dana in a different way. With her horniness. Bow-chica-wow-wow." I add in a mock salacious tone that forces her to giggle.
"Sort of that whole 'When in Rome' concept, huh?"
"Yeah. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. You got it." I beam in agreement, "How's it looking in the cameras, El?" I yell in his direction.
"Fan-fuckin'-tastic, Amigo. Micki, the cameras are loving the hell out of you, by the way." Elliot answers, displaying a thumbs up, "You two ready for places?"
Micki gives me the nervous-anticipation grin and nods, "Let's make magic!" I call, "Could you maybe start from the bedroom to answer the door?" I ask her as I make my way to my mark.
"Sure thing."
This is happening. Really happening. Alright, maybe it would be a good idea to get into character. My name is Peter Shankman, and I'm about to meet Dana Bare-It-All for the first time, and nail her. That's not Micki Foster, I'm not Ryan Dallion, and we aren't joint store owners who spend most of our time hunting down cursed antiques infused with the power of Satan. We've never met before in our lives.
Conrad calls for quiet on the set, Audrey slams the marker, followed by "Action!"
I, Peter Shankman, funny guy and superhero Slutbuster, give the door a casual knock. A Peter knock. Shave and a haircut. Two Bits.
(Ohmyfuckinggod, Ican'tbelievewe'reactuallydoingthis)
'Dana' swings the door open and poses seductively with an approving light in her eye when she sees me.
She's the epitome of fantasy and that's the truth. I let out a loud wolf-whistle and give her the 'ol up-and-down glance, "I'm looking for Dana Bare-It-All? Peter Shankman with Slutbusters." I add, indicating my nametag.
"That's me." she answers, "Thank goodness you've come. I have an infestation of sluts in my refrigerator who do nothing but have sex day and night. Can I show you what I mean?"
I follow her inside the 'apartment', "Sounds terrible." I say absentmindedly as I visibly examine the way her backside moves, "It must be very distracting."
We stop at the refrigerator and I am vaguely aware of Elliot moving close by with the handheld.
"It is." Micki/Dana continues. She opens the door to the fridge and we're greeted by a partially eaten birthday cake that reads 'ppy rthday, Fawnsworth' and a few forty ounces of Old English. Luckily, in pornos, your audience isn't really paying attention to the little details.
I give 'Dana' a suspicious look as she appropriately feigns shock and confusion, "Were there *really* ghosts in there?" I ask in a slightly condescending tone.
"Why would I call you if there weren't?" she argues with conviction, moving on her mark toward the living room couch, "Just minutes ago there were two beautiful women in my fridge going at it like loud jackrabbits. I don't understand."
"So they're *loud* fornicating slut ghosts? Do you think they left for good?" I try to confirm as I follow her and make it to my own mark standing behind her as she sits down.
She shakes her head as I start on a shoulder rub, "Oh, they'll be back. They get off on torturing me because I'm so very lonely." Micki/Dana complains in a moany whine.
"A gorgeous girl like yourself should *never* be lonely." I counter, ceasing the shoulder rub and working my way back in front of her to perch on the edge of the coffee table, "The concept alone sounds downright illegal. I mean, look at you!"
"But I am." she protests, "I'm lonely, and I'm always aroused. These slut ghosts want to drive me insane, Mr. Shankman."
"Well, until the ghosts show, there's not much I can do, but I may be able to help you with your other problem." I soothe her, moving my hands to rest on her knees and massaging lightly upward to about mid-thigh. Her skin is softer than a baby chick. I can't believe this is actually happening.
"Y-you can?" Micki/Dana stammers, fists balled tightly at her sides. She sucks in an audible breath and her eyes flash at me with something that I thought I saw this morning.
"Sure. I can cure your loneliness with a little remedy called 'Satisfaction'." I say, raising my eyebrows and moving my hands just a little higher up her thighs. She gasps as I abruptly pull back, "Of course, I can't do a thing until you tell me that you want me." I tease her (for once).
"I want you." she says in a quiet, labored voice. Her chest is heaving quite nicely.
"What? I couldn't hear you." I joke, putting a hand to my ear.
She rises slightly, gripping *my* upper thigh for support as she leans in to my ear. She slaps my hand away from it with her free hand, growling, "I want you. To fuck me. Now."
I think I've grabbed on to her too roughly as our mouths clash, but it's a bit late for apologies. The show must go on. That punch drunk dizzy sensation has reappeared as our kiss causes me to fall backward onto the table, taking her with me as she climbs into a straddle on my lap. My hands are Lewis and Clark exploring the New World of her body, travelling under the kimono to lands unknown. Maybe if this goes well we can reconsider our relationship to something less torturous for me. One that involves more encounters like this. I tried, but I can't deny it. I'm in the midst of laying carpet with Micki Foster, she's seeming like she's really into it, and so I want to do right by her. I sit up and move my mouth down her neck. My next step is ripping open her robe to take my time on each of her delicate breasts. She's liking this, I think, because her hips are grinding into my lap and she's doing her best to get me out of this now stifling uniform.
I'm free of the top part now, thanks to her, but spurned on by the idea of *really* giving her satisfaction, I overpower her and move her off my lap and under me, all the while kissing downward on various parts of skin until I reach the place that I've been *dying* to kiss. I figure I'll go down on her for a good ten minutes at least. She'd be smitten by that. She'd want to redefine a relationship for that. My teeth tug at the edge of her pale pink panties as I shift my knees down to kneeling on the floor. I happen to glance up at her. I've rarely heard her breathe this hard before, which, considering the amount of danger we've been through together, means a lot. Her face is a lovely blend of arousal, beauty, and what looks a little like bewilderment. And I thought she was glowing *before*. Shit. I can't deter myself from my task, so I begin with the removal of the underwear, lifting her gorgeous legs up to unhook them from around her ankles, resting a thigh on each shoulder as I settle into position and get down to business. Mmm-mm. Also better than I had imagined. She must have taken advantage of the melon plate Fawnsworth had out earlier, because she tastes like a scrumptious honeydew. Judging by the way she's started to moan and places her hand in my hair, I have a feeling ten minutes of this would incredibly easy. A happy cake walk. I take it back. I would die a happy man if I could do *this* for the rest of my life. Leave it to Micki to exceed the expectations of a healthy male imagination.
I've been buried in tasting her heaven for quite a while (longer than ten minutes, certainly) when I feel her body give off the signal of climax, and she starts to make what sounds like abrupt, closemouthed squeaks that are altogether adorable and bring my aching cock to surge against my pants with my own torturous arousal. I've been watching people do the horizontal lambada all day, and now I am ensconsed by her intoxicating hips bucking into my face with sensuous grace. I force myself to run baseball stats in my brain as she rides it out, kissing my way back up her abdomen when her undulations slow down, then reconsider halfway up her torso and dive back down into it. I think I can make her come once more this way. Micki gives me a startled, approving moan and I know I did the right thing, because she climaxes again almost immediately, tugging my hair upon completion to get to the main show.
I fumble with the fly of my coveralls and push them down my waist as quickly as I can, raising her hips with me as I rise to a mostly standing position. Her ankles rest on my shoulders, and her ass is poised fully of the edge of the coffee table as she rests on her upper back, her sex level with my own. She's so very beautiful. I push my way inside and it feels so good I could black out. It gets even better when I start to move and establish my rhythm. Scratch all my former statements; the sensation of being inside Micki Foster is what could bring about the joy that will carry me to my grave. The visual of her being fucked belongs in it's own category; the effect of her sweaty, glowing skin, breasts moving along to the motion of my thrusts, and seductive, feral look on her face has a superiority that requires it's own definition. To be the guy that's privileged enough to cause this wondrous sight is something I won't take for granted, and I believe it's time to switch things up, so I lean down, her legs folding a little like an accordion as her thighs rest against my torso, and reach for her hands, getting a little deeper penetration at this angle. This position also allows my face to be close enough to hers to kiss her again, and I try not to get lost for too long in that lightheaded feeling I'm still experiencing from it, even though we're *way* past kissing, by miles.
I mouth her bottom lip a bit, give another shove, "You want to try this a different way?" I whisper, then shove up a little harder than before. I have to watch myself if I'm going to erase the memory of every other sexual encounter she's ever had. That one almost did me in. Jesus, she's fantastic. I've never felt anything as good as the way she feels, and I'll be struck down willingly if that's a lie.
"This is nice (oh!), but if you think you can (ah!) do better..." She answers, attempting to kiss me again, but I'm pulling away and out of her altogether.
I try to get on the surface of the table and almost trip. Oh, that's right. My coveralls and boots are still in a wad at my feet. I reach down and get rid of them with haste, then join my lovely object of affection of the glass table top, granting her the meeting of lips that was denied earlier. I turn her slightly on her left side and slide my body against hers, entering her again from behind as I fling an arm across her waist and clutch her left breast, pushing in a moderate tempo. I nip at her ear with my teeth, "Better?"
"Mm, ohhhh Yeah!" she yells, following by a tensing of her body as she begins coming *again*. As easy as it would be to just let myself give in and go with her at this point (three is a good number), I don't want to be done yet. I will myself to bring back the baseball stats and keep going. My hand retreats from her breast and travels up to grip the shoulder closest to me, using it as a lever to get onto my back and shifting her so that she's on top of me with her back against my chest. This causes my efforts to be a little on the shallower side of things and her wild mass of hair is threatening suffocation, but the feel of her body writhing on top of mine is still nothing if not amazing. Soon, I'm using both hands to grip her shoulders while under her and am pumping my hips as hard as I can at about half-speed, the tactile sense of her open kimono's silken material flapping at my sides allowing me adequate distraction for delaying my inevitable.
I can't see a thing with her curls in my face, so I reluctantly release her shoulders and prop myself up on my elbows. Which works to my advantage, because she sits up and readjusts her legs, sinking back down in a reverse cowgirl position into my lap, using her knees to assist in riding me like a champion. Wowie-wowie-wow. I reach up and pull on the back hem of her robe, yanking it hard enough that it slides off with relative ease so I can better enjoy the view. The way her hips are moving defy all laws of motion in the best of ways. Up, down, circle, repeat at a langorous, medium pace. Splendidly hypnotic; I'm hanging on lightly to her hips to not disturb the dance. Fuck, I'm close. I think she is again, also, because her grip on my thighs has intensified. I'll get taken out soon if I don't do something fast, so I sit up, kissing my way up her back, pull her momentarily from my lap, standing her on her knees as I straddle slightly on my own behind her and slam back in. We've gotten on the loud side now with our moans; when we started, mainly heavy breathing only, accompanied by a whimper or two. But goddammit, she just feels so ingenious I can't help myself. I'm kissing anywhere I can at this point, a side of a forehead, the shoulders, neck, and sometimes her mouth. Anywhere within reach, my mouth is on top of things. I can't help clutching onto her breasts as I can guess she can't help reaching behind her to hold onto my hips for dear life as I use my own knees to pick up the tempo again.
My fever for her burns harder than ever as she pants and whimpers her way through one orgasm, shortly and more powerfully followed by another, and on that second rumble I'm gone. Knocked off the rafters by the Orgasm of the Gods, because this feels like divine intervention to me. I am blown into the fifth dimension, experiencing heights of pleasure I had left undiscovered before this. What a fool I had been. What a buffoon. I give out a startled yell through it all, and is she?...She's actually *barking* like a little lap dog. Tiny Tim on a crutch, this is amazing. I'll say it a thousand times and it will never get old. Eventually, our noises and movements gradually subside, and I'm hugging tightly onto her waist and panting into her back when reality comes crashing down in the form of "Cut!" and enthusiastic applause.
"Hell Fuckin' right, Dallion!" Conrad exclaims, "That's the way to Fuck, y'all! *This* is why those are my main people; God *Damn*!"
"Ow!" I hear Andy echo, looking above me and spotting him perched on the ladder with the boom mic, grinning like an idiot. He catches my look and winks, "Thank you. Thank you." Andy mouths gratefully, hooking his finger and thumb into an OK.
Laura approaches with our cover ups, "Super job, you two." she tells us as she hands them over, lingering a bit longer on mine, "Hiiii, Ryyyyan." Laura coos flirtatiously before walking away, swishing her hips.
I really *had* forgotten that everyone else was here. I didn't really think that would happen, honestly. I can't believe all these people just saw that. Well, I *can*, being I've been involved in viewing and filming others doing the same for a better part of the day. I'm still holding on to a softly panting Micki while we both clutch our robes in (I'm assuming on her part) mild disbelief. It's official. Our relationship has crossed the point of no return. It'll never be the same again. Right now, I can't say that I'm sad about that.



8: Ma Bell Left the Building

"Dude, I can't believe you made her *bark*. That was *insane*." Hank compliments as me and the guys sit around Conrad's bar in his rec room drinking beers. We wrapped for the day a little over a half-hour ago, and have commenced with celebrating how well our first day of filming turned out. "I tip my hat to you, Mr. Dallion." he jokes, cocking his beer bottle in my direction.
"You're an award winning fucker yourself, Mr. Moody." I return the favor. I haven't been able to wipe this shiteating grin off my face since "Cut" was yelled and the ladies took Micki off to collect herself. I can't help but swell up pridelike; she'll need it after the five orgasms I just gave her. You can't help but feel like "The Man" after that. I also can't help but feel the approval of the rest of the female population at Chez Conrad since filming stopped. It's palpable enough to notice, anyway.
"Can I just propose a toast to our director, here?" Conrad stands, tapping his fingernail on his beer bottle, "Shit, Geldorf, you exceeded even *my* high expectations on this. I hope to continue to be impressed. Guess you never thought you'd be doing this when you first got to that reunion, eh, Dungeonmaster?" We all break out into laughter.
"Nope." I answer, noticing Dana enter the room, "I also didn't think it would make me feel so exhilerated. I should be taking a nap after that, but I feel like I could stay up all night. Oh, and could we get a hand for Elliot over here? To the most talented cinemaphotographer this side of the Mississippi!" I raise my own bottle to him, "Without whom this wouldn't have gone off today without a hitch."
"Not to mention it's going to look cool as shit." Elliot chimes as he slaps Andy five.
Dana approaches us, pulling on her jacket, "I have to get going; that big Biology exam isn't going to study itself." she says, giving Hank a lingering glance.
He leaps to his feet, "Do you need a study buddy?" he offers, moving to stand in front of her. He takes her hand in his, and she swings it a little in casual acquaintance.
"Somehow I have a feeling you would be too distracting." Dana replies with the cutest smile, "Call me in a few hours?"
"Guaranteed." He reluctantly lets her hand go as she waves 'Bye' to the rest of us and leaves. Hank returns to the group, biting his knuckle to signify his approval, "I believe Hank Moody has a *thang* for Miss Dana Scully." he tells us.
"No shit?" Andy says sarcastically, "We couldn't tell."
"Good for you guys." I tell Hank. That works for me. If Hank's distracted by Dana, there's no danger of him getting next to Micki, "I hope it works out."
Speaking of Micki, I haven't seen or spoken to her since our big porn moment, and have gotten that anxious feeling back for a different reason now. The ball's in her court, now. I've shown by our coupling my true physical feelings for her, undeniable. She was breezed away by the girls before I could gauge any kind of reaction toward me in the aftermath. I can't say I'm not curious.
I excuse myself by faking bathroom break to see if I can try to find her. We should probably have the Big Talk sooner than later. I wander around until I hear female voices coming from the direction of our suite and follow the sound.
"Audrey's got her scene with Andy tomorrow!" I hear Laura sing-song loudly, "Nervous?"
"Not after today; I'm actually pretty excited to do my part. Hopefully, Andy's as *talented* as the other guys." Audrey answers. I stop short from entering the room; intrigued by girl gossip.
"Well, Conrad was just divine. Plus, he's 'dibly hot. The big surprise of the evening was Ryan by far, if you don't mind me saying, Micki." Laura giggles.
Micki sounds a little aloof, "I don't mind."
"Laura, I was totally thinking the same thing! Oh my god! I mean, he's cute like a teddy bear and then *BAM*, transforms into a creative sex machine!" Audrey exclaims.
My ears are officially on fire. I continue hovering outside the door, not being able to bring myself to go in there just yet. I realize that I'm eavesdropping, but I don't care. They're not gonna say what they *would* say if I'm around.
Laura keeps going, "Total Major Stunner, for sure. Looks like the cuddly, gentle type, but boy, were we wrong! I mean, you'd expect that kind of performance from Hank, but Ryan...so, is he always like that, Micki? Earth to Micki, are you there?"
"What?" I hear her respond.
"What Laura was trying to ask before you totally spaced was is your boyfriend always that rockin' in the sack? We're fully curious." Audrey presses her.
"I wouldn't know. That was the first time." I hear Micki tell them, "He's not even really my boyfriend."
That....bitch. She did it. Dropped the bomb before I could even clear the air. I feel hurt and anger well up inside me as her audience lets out gasps of shock.
"You're not serious!" Laura yells, "Your *first* time, like, EVER? And you did it in front of a camera? Boy, you got a set on you the size of Milwaukee. That takes *big* balls."
"He's not your boyfriend?" Audrey echoes, "You mean Ryan's availiable? Or....well, I guess after what just happened.."
"It's complicated. We're, um, friends." I hear Micki say, "On Ryan's availiability, well, you'll just have to check with him, Audrey. I know he's said that you were cute."
"He did?" I hear Audrey beam.
I've had enough of this, so I make a hasty retreat back to the guys, feeling way past heartbreak. She couldn't *wait* to spill the beans that she wasn't mine. I know we said we'd out ourselves after our first scene, but after what just happened, how *could* she? At least without waiting to *talk* to me first. After all that, how could she *not know* how I feel about her? I bet she couldn't wait to let the secret out so she can try to pursue Hank. I am officially one dumb asshole. How could I give myself hope like that? I should know better, dammit. Friends. That's all we'll ever be. I had my shot, gave it hammer and tongs, and she still wants to get a piece of Hank Moody. Ryan Dallion be damned.
Well, *fuck that*. I'll go back to pretending I'm unaffected by her. At least then I can respect myself in the long run. I make my way back to Conrad's rumpus room and the guys at the bar, clapping my hands, "Lesbian fornication shots tomorrow, boys! Should we start with that in the a.m.?"
"Good call, Geldorf." Elliot comments, "Liking the way you think. Then we knock out some plotline/dialogue shots, and Ray and Slimer will end the evening. That way we can give the girls time to cover Audrey in all that makeup."
"Mmm, Audrey." I say, "Tasty piece of girl, that one."
"Man, what are you saying? Audrey's fly, but you've got Micki as your woman, and she's a *good* woman." Conrad chides me.
"Also, she bones like a sexy beast. Jesus." Andy adds to the agreeance of the rest of the men, who all nod enthusiastically. There's whistling, even.
Micki and the girls enter the room as I make my next statement. How perfect. I want her to hear this the most, "Well, I might as well get this out there, since I promised her after we finished that first scene that we would: Micki and I aren't boyfriend and girlfriend. We're just friends and business partners. We just didn't want you to think that we couldn't do it, Conrad." I announce. I'm not fooled by that hurt look in her eyes. I know very well that she said it first. The room erupts in surprise, and I believe Andy says, "Holy *shit*!"
"Wow, y'all are good actors." Conrad states, shaking his head slowly in disbelief, "Cold, Ry-D. That shit was cold."
"Hey, we needed the money. They were gonna repossess our store." I continue, "Sorry if we mislead all of you." I catch Micki's stare for a second before turning away. Surprisingly painful.
"You mean that Micki's on the market?" Andy questions with intrigue, raising an eyebrow.
Audrey strolls her way up to me, "You've just dropped a Hindenberg, Mr. Dallion." she flirts, "You got a minute?"
I give her an approving smile, "I got a few of them for you, Audrey."
I do believe that Micki looks a little mad. Whatever. I'm not her fucking puppy. It makes my head spin how quickly they swarm upon her once the news is out; now Andy, Hank, and Elliot have her surrounded. I believe Andy procured a flower from a nearby vase. Just a pack of dogs, the lot of them.
"Laura and I wanted to test your prowess, for lack of better words." Audrey continues, placing a hand on my chest, "Do you think you can handle two at once?"
Seriously? She's really asking me that? What guy would say 'no'? Laura approaches from behind and nestles her chin on my shoulder, "Micki said we should ask you." she adds to my chagrin.
"Oh, she did, did she?" I ask, intrigued and disgusted. Way to drive your point home that you don't want me. Now you're sending out recommendations? I get it. "Sure Ladies, I can handle *anything*."
"We were hoping that you would say that." Audrey smiles as she begins to lead me out of the room by my shirt collar.
"Conrad, you coming?" Laura offers, "You can switch hit."
"You *know*!" he replies enthusiastically.
I'm about to protest (I wasn't really trying to get *that* freaky) when I notice that Hank has cornered Micki and they're conversing intimately. She throws me a challenging glance and I tip my head in acknowledgement and pretend I don't care. That I'm happy for her that she's finally about to land Hank.
Time to ease the pain with a little swinger's party, I reckon.
"We are gonna blow your fucking *mind*." Audrey boasts as we make our exit.

**********************************************************

"How could she just toss me aside so *easily*? After everything we've been through?" I wail a little into Audrey's shoulder as she soothes me with a 'therethere'.
Of course I couldn't go through with it. Once the party was just getting started back at Conrad's suite, I broke down like a woman and spilled my torment on the group, who have all been refreshingly understanding about the whole thing.
"See, I *knew* there was something going on between you two. Y'all were too convincing as a couple." Conrad had said.
"You poor *baby*!" Laura exclaimed, her and Audrey rushing to my side on the couch so near to the place I thought I had consummated with the only woman I could ever have *those kind* of feelings for.
"But there wasn't anything going on, that's the thing. I'm just a dumbass." I retorted as Audrey pet my hair, "A stupid, *hopeless* dumbass."
"So that's why you went Over the Top on that whole shebang." Conrad commented in realization, "A man doesn't put it to a woman like that unless he's trying to impress her socks off, am I right?"
"How romantic!" Laura chimed, getting a little misty, "I could totally cry!" she told me as I slowly nodded my head, then buried it in my hands.
I *did* cry. I believe that I'm man enough to admit it. This whole ordeal had me so emotionally wrung out I feel as the Temple of Doom guy has come back with gangbusters. How quickly bliss and feelings of being "The Man" can turn into despair and deridement when it comes to the woman you love. She's probably been with Hank all night, I bet. Ten to one, he's genuinely rocking her world. My thoughts turn even more sour when I think that maybe she was pretending that I was him when I was revelling in the magic that was her. I kept the bulk of them up most the night as they comforted me with words of encouragement and shared tales of equal heartbreak. In the early morning Conrad and Laura gave me and Audrey the boot; Audrey following me back to the suite I share with Micki to make sure I was okay.
As you may already know, Micki wasn't there. Which sent me further into a tailspin, I might add. Audrey didn't want to leave me alone, so she's been with me for the duration. The both of us just woke up a few minutes ago, with me immediately realizing all that had transpired was *not* a dream and picking up where I had left off to wallow in my misery. She's been a dear, getting right back in there with her consolation. Sure, she's a hot girl, but Audrey is more than that. She's a good person. Audrey has been kind enough to listen to me burden her with my feelings towards another woman, and even held me when I sobbed like a baby. Matter of fact, that's how I passed out.
"Honey shhh, listen," she begins as I try to hold back the tears that threaten, "I think that you may be looking at the worst possible scenario, Ryan. I mean, you didn't really see her after...the incident. I can testify that she was pretty starry-eyed and out of it."
"What are you getting at?" I sniffle.
"I'm saying that it appeared to me that she was pretty stoked in the way a girl gets when she's fucked by the man she *really* wants to fuck. Girls tend to glisten a little when that's the case, and Micki was *glistening*." Audrey explains. Really? She was? I look up at her as she continues, "Ryan, can you be positive that she's with Hank right now?"
"Well, she's not *here*." I quip.
"It's not as if we're not in a big fucking mansion, or anything." Audrey cracks with sarcasm, "She couldn't just find another room to sleep in? You *did* announce to everyone that you weren't a couple. Maybe she thought it best."
"Wait, she told *you guys* first. That was my dead giveaway." I argue, "That, and her basically passing me over to you two."
Before Audrey can answer, the door creaks open and a cautious Micki steps in. This probably doesn't look the greatest. Audrey and I are in the bed and she's holding me. She also borrowed a t-shirt and a pair of my boxers to sleep in, so that's what the two of us are currently wearing when she notices us.
Cautious Micki flares into pissed off Micki. Then something comes over her and her face transforms into the falsest smile she can muster, "I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" she asks breezily.
"Totally no!" Audrey exclaims, giving me one more hug, "I'll let you guys talk." she whispers in my ear, "Hear her out, okay?" She stands, checking her wrist. There's not a watch in sight, "Wow, look at the time! I should really get going!" she exclaims, gathering her clothes in a heap by the bed, "I need to feed my kitten before the shoot with Laura this morning. Chances are she's still here with Conrad, so she's not gonna do it." Micki and I both watch her with intrigued looks as she runs into a chair as she's trying to leave and recovers with slight embarrassment, "See you two in a few hours!" she waves, racing out the door and almost running into the door jamb on her way.
"Hot night?" I question her a little on the cold side as she plops down on the couch and throws her purse on the side table.
"You have no right to ask me that." she tells me, heavy on the testy side.
"Why not? I think that I have more than right when *someone* is gone all night." I argue, daring to look at her.
She sits up from where she was lounging and shoots me a megawatt glare. It's a look that could kill, "That's rich, Ryan. I find you in bed with Audrey and you're questioning *my* whereabouts? You must be on crack to think that mislogic is okay reasoning."
"You were with *someone*, weren't you?" I press. Now I'm angry and seeing red. How dare she get mad about Audrey when it was all her doing in the first place? Not that anything even happened. Except a lot of bawling, that is.
"It's none of your business, Ryan." she says, her voice pretty fuming itself, "You're *not* my boyfriend, remember? Or did you forget that between your little swinger's party two-girls-at-once action and now that you've found out I was gone all night? Fuck you!" That false, unflappable smile returns, "Actually, fuck *that*. Why shouldn't you know, right? We're 'just friends'; so yes, Ryan. I *was* with *someone* last night. Is that what you wanted to hear?"
No, now that she's said it, that's the last thing I wanted to hear. Temple of Doom part three: The gaping whole where my heart used to be. That's my current state. I can't even talk. I just get up and leave. I have to get out of here, because the room is closing in, I feel like I'm suffocating, and I'll be damned if I let her see me cry.

9: The Continuing Saga of Zool and What up With That

I told Conrad for his benefit and to pass it on to the girls that I wanted to keep mum about last night. I don't want the fact that I was crying my eyes out instead of scoring on a badass three way plus one getting out to the rest of the cast, least of all to Micki. I hope she and Hank are very happy together. I know you can't tell, but I was being sarcastic.
Why did she fuckin' sleep with him? How could she be so cruel? I still don't get that after all that I had shown her that she could remain blind to my affections. Plus, who is *she*, getting mad about me and Audrey like that? Certainly not my girlfriend. She made that crystal. At the very least, she's a hypocrite. At the most, a heart stomping temptress who I truly believe has no soul.
After the big blowout this morning, I went back to Conrad's suite to let him know what he needed and he's been keeping me pretty level. He and I have kept ourselves busy preparing the schedule for the day and putting the blue screen up in the White Room for the girls' Gozer Twins segments since Elliot hasn't shown up yet. We've just finished with that when Dana is led into the room by Fawnsworth.
"Hi Conrad, Hi Ryan." Dana greets us, looking slightly worried, "Have you two heard from Hank? He never called last night. I fell asleep a little early, but there weren't any messages on my machine when I got up."
"Oh, *that's* a big surprise." I crack automatically, then catch myself. Poor Dana, "Sorry, that wasn't directed at you." Shit. I know she likes the guy. That *asshole*.
"Ry-D's just a little on the touchy side, Baby Girl." Conrad jumps in, "A lot happened after you left last night, is all."
"Is Hank okay?" Dana asks with genuine concern. I'll bet that bastard's okay. He just nailed two different but equally exquisite redheads in the span of twenty four hours. He probably feels like John Wayne, he's so fuckin' okay.
Speak of the devil, he's just walked in the door. He lights up when he sees Dana, and the hypocrisy of it turns me into a raging bull. How fuckin' *dare* he? One or the other, scumbag. It pisses me off so greatly that I rush right up to him amd punch him in the gut, "How was Micki last night, Assface?" I growl at him as he doubles over from my blow and gives me a look of confusion.
"What the fuck, Dallion?!" Hank wheezes.
Dana's eyes narrow, and now I'm not the only one who's pissed, "*Micki*? So she's the reason you didn't call last night?"
Conrad gives me an annoyed glance, "Look what you started. You just couldn't keep it Fonz, could you?" He chastises, "Don't be punchin' on our actors, fool. You ever heard of a liability?"
"I *did* call you." Hank answers Dana as he pulls in a recovering breath.
"Oh yeah? Why didn't I get a message on my machine, then?" she protests.
"I don't like machines. They can't talk back to you. I hung up when it picked up." he answers.
"A likely story." I mutter. Conrad checks me with a nudge to my side and I pipe down.
"You know what, Dallion? You're a dickhead." Hank tells me.
Conrad has to hold me back, "*I'm* the dickhead? Are you fuckin' serious, Moody?" I yell as I squirm to free from Conrad's grasp. Just one more hit, I have a physical *need* to clock that guy, "So I didn't see you and Micki lookin' cozy last night?"
"Why the fuck do you even care, shit-for-brains; you were the one leaving to lay pipe with Miss Audrey Horne!" Hank says loudly, "*And* company."
"Jesus fuckin' Christ, what *happened* last night?" Dana interjects, "Will somebody please fill me in, because nothing's making sense, and that alone is making me mad."
"Micki and Ryan were never a couple," Hank states as calmly as he can, "Ryan announced it after you left last night and shortly thereafter, got propositioned for a three-way with Laura and Audrey featuring Conrad. He saw Micki talking to me when he was leaving to have his fun, and now this stupid motherfucker is coming after *me*."
"Did you sleep with her?" Dana asks, still trying to let all the new events sink in, "I mean, we're not set in stone, Hank. I can be a grownup, I understand if..."
"I didn't sleep with her, Dana." he cuts her off.
Andy steps in the room as I'm hollering the word "Liar" at top volume. He lands next to Conrad, who's still holding me back, "What did *I* miss?" he asks in amusement.
"This bastard's lying about taking Micki home last night." I accuse, "Dana doesn't deserve your dishonesty, dickweed!"
"But I'm not lying!" Hank protests, "You're about two seconds away from a cock punch, Dallion. Andy, can you back me up here?"
"He's not lying." Andy says, shocking the shit out of me, "She left with Elliot."
"Elliot?" Dana utters, surprised.
"Stabler?" Conrad and I echo in unison.
"Dude, what's it to you, anyway? Audrey was all over you like a cheap suit." Andy asks me, "How *was* she, by the way? Got any good pointers?"
"We didn't do anything last night!" Laura laughs. Shit, her and Audrey must've come in while Andy dropped the Stabler bomb. So much for Conrad and I informing them not to squeal. "Except help Ryan lick his wounds." she adds.
It's Hank, Dana, and Andy's turn to fork over looks of perplexity our way. Andy shakes his head, "So there was no 'freaky-freaky'?" he asks.
"Of course not! Ryan's ass-over-teakettle for Micki." Audrey informs them, and a look of realization falls over the three of them, who all start nodding and saying "Ohhh."
"Sorry for the sucker punch, Hank." I apologize, feeling broken, and now, like a complete fool, "She told me she was with someone last night and I assumed it was you."
"Well, you made an ass out of u and me, but no hard feelings." Hank says, "I get you, now."
"Hold up, Andrew," Conrad turns to Andy, "You're positive that Micki ducked out with the Stabilizer?"
"Ten four, Cap-i-tan. He asked her if she wanted to get some food, she said yes, and they split before I could make my move. Man, that was torturous: going home and *not* getting laid after yesterday." Andy adds as I shoot him a look, "Don't give me that face, Ryan. I didn't *know*; I won't try to step on your sugar turf. On a slightly related note, however, I think I've *prepared* enough for today, so Senior Botwin's good to go."
"Might be Elliot's 'sugar turf' now." I mumble. I can't believe it. Elliot? That one hit me from left field. My mind was so set on her initial flirtation with Hank that Elliot's still taking some time to sink in.
"Don't you haul off and hit Elliot now, Crazy Ass." Conrad warns me, "I want you to ig-snay on the drama. That goes for all of y'all, dig? We don't need rumor mills gunkin' up the works of, up until today, was the greatest picture I had ever been part of."
"I'm not gonna hit El." I reassure, "Scouts honor. From now on it's nothing but pro for this director." Defeat settles over me like an old friend. I allowed my feelings for her to get the best of me. It's not going to happen again. Luckily, we've got plenty of work to do, which will keep me good and distracted. Time to get crackin'.

***************************************************
True to my statement, the day has passed with a minimal amount of pain, despite the new shit that came to light. Micki and *Elliot*. Here I was, too busy cockblocking Hank to see the full picture. I've been decidedly civil to El, and vice-versa, but it's been mostly business talk between us. Which is good, because I don't need a play by play of what went down on their date last night. I've barely seen her except for the shooting of our dialogue scene around mid-day. Which, by the way, did involve a painfully awkward intimacy; Peter and Dana naked and post coital in bed before Peter leaves for the bathroom and Dana gets possessed. We had to do about seven or eight takes because Conrad kept telling us that we weren't connecting enough. No guff, Chet. Can you tell me anything more concentration threatening than being naked in a bed with the one person that you want and can't have?
We managed through, however. Micki and I are nothing if not committed to the task at hand. Whatever task it may be, we seem to have run the gamut. After our bed scene, we shot 'Dana's' possession scene with relative ease. All heartbreak aside, Micki's a pretty good actress, so the difficulty level was low. For most of the rest of the day she's been sequestered costuming the other ladies and keeping out of my eyeline. Takes the sting out of having to hold her naked body next to mine when I *have* seen her today, because if she was consistantly on set, traipsing around with Elliot in front of me, I may very well have gone off the deep end again. So she's done me a solid and kept a low profile.
Today's perk came in the form of the Gozer Twins and all their lesbianic splendor. Every guy that bore witness (which was the bulk of us) couldn't wipe the grins of stupefication off with Mr. Clean and a jackhammer. Laura and Audrey were brilliant, convincing us all with their fine performances. Now every time any one of us thinks about it, we'll say the word 'Zool' and slap the nearest male a high-five. It's become the new ritual.
We're finishing up the process of setting up the hallway cameras for Ray and Slimer's chase and screw scene, and Dana just came in to let me know they're almost finished with Audrey's full body green makeup. Dana stuck around and latched onto Hank, sitting on his lap in a chair near the refreshment table. They had no problem with any of their scenes today, especially after the air was cleared about last night. I completely get the term 'blowjob lips' now, and why Dana is just *genius* casting as the head-giving secretary Janine. Hank is lucky as fuck and good for him. I had the guy all wrong. These two are buttcrazy for each other. I should have got that one after their first scene and what a knockout it was. I mean, I should know. I've been there. I've rode that ride before.
You know, it's been less than twenty four hours since it all went down and I have to admit that I already miss her like crazy. I need to shake it off. Worry about the fact that you also lost your best friend after this is all over, Dallion. It's safer that way.
Conrad and I are sitting in our set chairs while Elliot tweaks at some knobs on his monitors, "Zool." I tell Conrad, whose face cracks into a wide grin, which is immediately followed by the obligatory high-five.
Andy saunters on set, displaying both hands with index finger and pinky in the air, "Ladies and gentlemen: Andy Botwin does Chi-town!" he jokes with an accompanying singing of your average porno bass line. He's wearing his Slutbusters uniform with pride, and I can't say his enthusiasm isn't a little catching. I'm stoked *for* him, "So, where's my lady costar?"
Speak of the scintillating devil herself. She's just come up the stairs, blessedly naked and expertly covered in green makeup, a step and a half behind Laura and Micki. Niiiicccce. Though Micki has stolen my heart, and normally my eyes are trained on her, you can't help but notice a beautiful body like Audrey's covered in all that makeup. It brings out the sci-fi geek in me. I saw her naked in the Gozer scene this morning; but briefly. We outfitted the Gozer Twins in gold string bikinis and sheer white togas, which had been hot enough for most of the girl time to keep on, and the two didn't really get naked until the very end. So the effect of her now is plain as day and even accentuated by her bright green makeup. Audrey couldn't very well wear a robe. The makeup would smear and the point is for it to come off on Andy.
I notice Micki looking annoyed at my appreciative stare and try not to let my hackles rise, "Good *work*, ladies." I start with a positive note, "How are you feeling, Audrey? Do you think you need any time to collect?" I ask her with concern.
She shakes her head, "I'm ready, Ryan. This is gonna be fun." she reassures me.
"I think that it might be more fun for Andy." I crack. Audrey giggles as Micki simultaneously exhales loudly and retreats, saying something over her shoulder about getting backup makeup for extra takes.
Touch-chy. I will never get women. Why is she acting jealous? I know it when I see it, and that just now was an obvious display. I've fallen victim myself, but she has no call. Not after stepping out with a dear old friend of mine. I'm quite impressed with Elliot's class. Normally, a woman like Micki entails a lot of bragging and storytelling for the guy. He's kept it down to brass tax today and I'm proud of him for that.
Andy shakes me out of my reverie with a loud "Holy shit, Yes!" when he sees the spectacle that is Audrey Horne, "Conrad, have I told you today that you're my best friend? My main compadre? My.."
"Like, fifty times, Homeboy." Conrad answers, cutting him off, "Now get in there and do the Do, man. Hey, yo Hank!" he calls the attention of the man currently eskimo kissing the redhead on his lap.
"Yeah?" Hank questions as they both look up at Conrad.
"You ready to boom mic it up?" he asks him, "Maybe stop the snuggle picnic for a few?"
Hank gives a casual salute, "Zool, my brotha." he answers, slapping a passing Elliot a high five before extracting Dana from his lap.
The show must go on. Zool.


10: Pining for a Refreshingly Blunt Breakfast

It doesn't cease to amaze me that we're almost done. All the dialogue scenes have been completed, and we shot the StayHard Marshmallow Man sequence well into the late hours. Even a few seconds of film for stop motion takes hours to execute. Needless to say, there were no after parties in our forecast last night after everything was said and done. In case you were wondering, Andy and Audrey did beautifully, and their sequence is going to turn out great.
The only things left to shoot for tomorrow is the Gozer Twins with Ray and Winston, and the final Peter and Dana scene. I forgot yesterday due to my nose to the proverbial grindstone. Micki and I still have a requirement to copulate once more before this movie wraps. The mere thought of it is akin to paper cuts being vigorously rubbed with salt. I know she didn't do anything with Elliot *last night*, seeing as he was working with Conrad, Andy, and myself, but she *did* move herself and all of her things to another room. I miss her. I know I said it before, but it's all I can think about. I'll give up sleeping in a nice, soft bed all by myself for the couch as long as Micki's here for me, with me. I think we just got too close, that's all. Otherwise, it wouldn't hurt nearly as much. Sure, I can't stop thinking about the wonderful two-backed beast we created. It was outstanding; completely unforgettable. What sticks in my brain most, oddly enough, is kissing her. Anytime she's been near since that first kiss, I now realize that I have a physical need for that feeling again. I crave it like a rare and heady drug, which is a good metaphor seeing as she's now off-limits completely without any hope of a positive resolution. I snuck in one or two awkward ones during our scene yesterday that still had me dizzy, despite one being off target and the other catching her so much by surprise that we had to start over again with a new take.
Elliot. Shit. It's irritating that she's picked a guy that is impossible for me to despise...well, as long as she's happy. In the meantime, I'll just lay here for a while and jones for her toxic kiss.
After I feel that I've wallowed enough, I get myself up and dressed in jeans and a Roxy Music t-shirt and head downstairs. I find signs of life in the kitchen: Fawnsworth and Conrad are busily preparing mushroom and cheese omelettes while Hank and Dana make out across from Micki in the breakfast nook booth along the wall. I slide in on her side next to her, "Come here often?" I try for affable as I shoot the tongue wrestling duo a terse glance.
"Morning, Ryan." she actually cracks a smile, "Who knew pornography casting had such powers of matchmaking?"
"The force is strong with these two." I nod in agreement.
"So what's crackinatin'? You think you can do it to this boy on the repeat today, Mi-chelle My Belle?" Conrad asks as he and Fawnsworth slide plates loaded up with omelette in front of each of us.
"Why not? I did it once already, didn't I?" Micki challenges, "Are you questioning my integrity, Conrad?"
"No, but seeing as you and El Stabilizer have your little thang-thang, I thought I'd ask you." Conrad laughs, kidding her as he places a reassuring palm on my shoulder. I know he's trying to keep things light. I take no offense.
"Elliot's sweet, but he's not my co-star." Micki tells him, forcing me to look at her in confusion, "You're not paying me to have sex with El."
Hank breaks contact from Dana's mouth, "Spoken like a true prostitute." he says, truly impressed, "High five."
Whoops. She does not look too happy about that last little jibe, "Fuck *you*, Hank Moody." Micki stands, dropping her silverware on her plate, "I've lost my appetite; Ryan, let me out, please."
I oblige as Dana smacks a slack jawed Hank in the side, "I meant it as a compliment!" Hank protests, as she rushes to leave, "It's awesome that you're doing this!"
"Now see what you've done?" Dana chides him, "It's *never* okay for a man to call a woman a whore, even in jest." she explains as she slides out of the booth herself, "Time to go run interference." Dana kisses his chin one more time before she leaves, "Asshole."
"That's my name, don't wear it out." Hank calls after her, turning to me and noticing my own visage of chastisement, "What? Oh, come on, Dallion! She's getting paid to fuck you. That's prostitution. Are we gonna split hairs, here?"
"Hey, I'm getting paid to fuck her as well, so it kinda cancels things out, doesn't it? Look, it's not like she went into this in a cavalier way, Dipshit." I argue, "The subject is touchy to her. You didn't know. Just give her an apology the next time you see her."
"Open mouth, insert foot." Conrad interjects, "Moody, that was about as smooth as rocky road."
"Okay, I get it. I'm a dickhole. I'll apologize." Hank releases a loud exhale, "Jeez, you try to be refreshingly blunt..."
"...and it bites you in the ass. I'm taking it this isn't the first time." I finish.
"Won't be the last, either." Hank replies, "How are you feeling about bedding down your unrequited love thing the second time around? Feel like you're walkin' on razor blades?"
"Bout that, yeah." I reveal, "This fucker is one hopeless case."
"Message." Conrad agrees, "Hey though, never give up hope, Ry-D. She still has to go back home with you. Elliot's gotta remain here in the Windy City to complete his police training. Shit, it's not like they're getting married, Geldorf." He supplies wisely.
True. That is, if I'm going back home. If things don't work out and become too frustrating, and they've definitely gotten to that point already, I've seriously been considering directing porn full time and becoming a silent partner to Curious Goods. I could still do my part by keeping it financially afloat, anyway. Maybe track down some out of town items, if I have time. I know Conrad would have me. He's already said as much. I don't say this out loud because I'm still not sure I could deal without seeing her face every day. I like the fact that our beds are about eight feet apart from each other back home. I like her ribbing; I even think her nagging borders on adorable. I like it when it's her turn to make the coffee. She never gets any grounds in it, ever. Jack and I have both been guilty of that, but never her. I like the way she smells, like a dash of light floral perfume mixed with fresh fruit. I could bathe for days in that scent. I like the fact that she always stands just a little too close. I like finding endless strands of her hair everywhere. I would pine for that. My love for her crushes me with a heaviness in my chest. The anguish comes in the form of whether or not she would miss any random things like that about me. The fact that I even have to put it to question makes me want to puke. Tough it out, Dall. Work through it. You're all good.
"You're right." I answer Conrad after a few beats, "It's not as if Micki's gonna be staying in Chicago."
"That's my boy! Stay positive and shit, homefry. Be that motherfuckin' ball." Conrad asserts, tousling my hair, "Now eat the rest of your food and get suited up. We're shooting Peter and Dana after breakfast."
"Seriously? I thought we were filming that last." I question.
"It would be better if all your rocks are off before you direct a group sex scene." He pats me on the back, "Trust. Meet up with the rest of us at my suite. We've already started setting up; just been waitin' on your lazy, layin' in bed havin' ass."
"A man can't be tired?" I argue.
"Not if he's making my motherfuckin' movie." he quips back.
"Zool." I supply in agreement.
He and Hank both slap me a high five.


11: Three Forbidden Words in Porn

I'm in the bathroom in Conrad's suite, finishing up my preparation for our final scene together. Which is the long way of saying I just beat off five times. In a row. You'd do the same if you were a male and knew what it was like to have sex with Micki Foster. It's lethal. You have to bring your "A" game. I bump into Audrey upon my exit, almost knocking her to the ground, "Sorry, sorry!" I put an arm around her waist to steady her as she laughs it off, "Are you okay?"
"I'm *fine*, Ryan." Audrey chuckles, "The question is, are *you* okay?"
"Right as rain, puddin'tane." I answer with false bravado.
"Oh my *GOD*!" I hear Micki's voice behind us and we both momentarily freeze, "Can't you keep your fucking hands off of her for one *fucking* second?"
I let go of Audrey and whirl around to face her. She's wearing a robe like I am, because we have to start the scene already nude. I'm entranced, because when she's angry, I now realize I've seen that look before. My five time preparation suddenly doesn't seem like nearly enough, but I have to stand my ground. "Not that it matters, but this is not what it seems," I start, trying for an even tone, "and I don't really appreciate your attitude. You're behaving like a jealous girlfriend, and it's really pissing me off."
"You've been pissing *me* off too, asshole, since you dragged me in to this whole sordid affair!" Micki snaps, "Oh, and you giving *me* lip about jealousy is quite laughable, Mr. 'Where-were-you-last-night?'."
"I was concerned for my friend! Not that I needed to be since you were shacking up with Elliot." I add bitterly.
"Well, I *knew* where you were, you son of a bitch." she growls at me, "You were fucking her" she points at Audrey, "*And* Laura. Having the time of your life with no regard to how I would feel. You can't just fuck me like that..."
"Holy cow, this has to be stopped. *Now*." Audrey interrupts, compounding my shock, "Micki, we didn't do it to Ryan. I'm sorry sweetie," she says to me, "but the truth has to be known for both your sakes."
Micki's expression shifts from anger to disbelief, "I'm sorry, but I'm not buying that. Why did I catch you in bed together the next morning? You don't need to protect him, Audrey."
"What did you mean, 'you can't just fuck me like that'? What were you trying to say?" I ask.
Her eyes meet mine and begin to well up, "Can you please tell me that you didn't feel *that* too, so we can just get this over and done with? Honestly Ryan, I'm tired, but you'll never be. It's like you're always on the hunt for the next best thing. Why don't you just keep looking for her, then?"
She's left me speechless. I don't believe what I'm hearing, but there's still one burning question that I gotta know, "So why did you send Laura and Audrey to proposition me, then?" I am finally able to croak out.
Seems that we've drawn a crowd; cast and crew have us surrounded like a fight on a playground. She answers me with venom in her tone, "I told them they could *ask* you. You're the fucker that actually took them up on their offer."
"Hold the phone, Micki. Ryan got no lay." Andy argues as he sidles next to Audrey and slips an arm around her.
"Andy's right, you know. Like I was trying to tell you before, I only hung around til morning because I was worried about the poor guy." Audrey explains.
"Yeah, Homeboy cried the *whole time* about your fine ass." Conrad jumps in, "Killin' the play before it even happened and weepin' like a little bitch."
"Thanks Conrad." What a pal, this guy.
"Is this true?" she asks the crowd, who collectively nod in the affirmative.
"He cried in my arms all night because he thought you were boning Moody, and that you had outed your status to us simply *because* you wanted to bone Moody." Audrey adds.
"What kind of a girl do you take me for, Ryan? I wouldn't do that to Dana, not when I know how she feels about him." Micki huffs at me, "You really didn't have that three way?"
"No. But you really did spend the night at Elliot's." I reply.
Conrad steps between us, "Enough of this shit right here. Your beef has been officially squashed, understand? Time to make the movie, like, *now*, children." he turns to the crowd, "Can y'all please disperse so that we can call motherfuckin' places?"
Cast and crew quickly obey as I try to process what just happened. Did she really just let on that she's been feeling the same way I have? I have to say, in my defense, the only reason I have to force myself to look at other women is because if I didn't, I'd be staring at her from sunup through sundown. How would she know that though? She's not psychic. I make my mark slightly beyond the bathroom door in the hallway as she stands on hers in the doorway to the bedroom. We hastily disrobe and hand them over to Laura as Elliot takes his place at the other end of the hall with the handheld camera next to Andy with the boom mic.
I quickly explain that Dana, now under possession, is supposed to attack Peter and drag him to the bed, pushing him down as hard as she can, "We'll start out with Dana on top, and she'll take a minute to realize that Peter's getting the best of her with the ecto condom, but it would be nice to see some reaction that it's affecting the ghost, if we could. Then Peter does his takeover and depossesses, end scene." I finish explaining and try not to stare at her, hanging out all naked like that and smirking at me with her little nods of agreement. Five times wasn't even close to enough. I clear my throat as Audrey slams down the marker. This is it. So what exactly is going on with us now? Why am I still feeling confusion?
Action is called, and I am stunned by the screetch that Micki gives out as she rushes me and knocks me against the wall, effectively descending like a hellcat and kissing the legs out from under me. My arms flail momentarily as I dissolve into my needed fix, but eventually end up clutching at her back as my ecto green erection stabs into her abdomen. She lets out a depraved squeal at this and grips me by the shoulders, surprising me with her actual strength as she pulls me away from the wall and marches me backward towards the bedroom. Her kisses are violent and rain upon me in a staccato attack, and she's actually breaking skin from where her claws dug into the flesh around my neck. Hot damn. I do believe that we're off to a promising start. The backs of my knees bump against the edge of the bed, forcing us to stop travelling. This is also the cue for my line, "Dana?" I ask with apparent question in my voice. The way she startled me with her attack aids to its conviction.
I let out a 'whoa' as she jumps onto my naked body and wraps her legs around my waist. She lets out a decidedly impish laugh, shaking her head, "Dana's not here." Micki/Dana answers, biting onto my bottom lip as a preliminary to another knee-weakening kiss. The force of it causes me to drop with ease when she pushes me backward. The two of us land with a hard bounce onto the mattress and she doesn't skip a beat, just starts to kiss and bite all over the vicinity of my chest and stomach. I suddenly feel like I know what it's like to be happily devoured. I'm liking this whole 'her in control' thing, I must say. It makes a guy feel like he's wanted. My hands grip the backs of her thighs hard as she continues straddling my waist and doing her oral exploration, and I can't help but cry out loud when she reaches behind her to tug gently on my testicles. Fuck, that felt good. What feels even better is when she shifts down and starts grinding her moist wetness against my member, causing a natural reaction that forces my fingers to move from her thighs to grip onto her hips. I try to sit up and kiss her, but she lets out another shreik as she pushes my chest back down and I feel my cock pushing its way into her depths when she readjusts her hips and descends onto my lap. Holy shit. I have a notion that she will *never* cease to feel like nirvana.
After I recover from my eyes rolling back into my head, I open them to catch the cause of the pleasure I'm experiencing in all her wonder. Micki/Dana's begun to come down hard with her motions, her hips doing their ever-poetic dance in a more frantic way with each stroke. If this weren't enough, she's thrashing her head back and forth as she bestows wildcat grunts into the atmosphere, punctuating them with wide-eyed 'ohs' on her downstroke, to which I can't help reply with something similar because that's when she gives her walls a little tremor. I feel as if she actually *could* fuck the life force right out of me. Her hands move to meet mine on her hips and our eyes happen to catch. Hers are smiling, but something comes over me that still doesn't sit right and she feels so perfect that mine start brimming with hot tears. When she notices this, she moves my hands with her on either side of my head as she leans down to grant me a kiss, sucking my tongue slightly into her mouth and grinding her hips in slow, aching circles into mine. The feels strangely loving to me, and also pretty tactily awesome as well, because this angle is incredible and the feeling of her breasts crushing against my chest is pleasantly intimate.
"I slept on the couch." Her whisper is soft against my lips as her lower half gives me another tug. God, yes.
Her words bring me to a joyous level that very well could border on insanity. She didn't sleep with Elliot. That means that I'm the guy this lady actually wants. I smile against her mouth but only for a second before I tear into it with an urgent kiss of my own making, sitting up and taking her with me. I believe it's time for Peter to begin his de-possession. That little mynx. She was holding out on me. My hips raise up hard into hers and her startled groan amuses me. I wonder if I can do it again. Oh, yep. Sure can. That's terribly cool. Can I do it again? Yes? Lovely.
I circle my arms around her waist during all of this, which comes in handy when I use my renewed strength to flip her onto her back as I complete my takeover, embarking on my own limited oral exploration of her face and neck. I believe she let out another shreik at my attack, but I can barely hear anything anymore, just the blood rushing in my head as I feel her spasm around me. Very good, but I'm not getting taken out so easily. We're not getting by on just one of those, no sir. I love her, and she deserves more, therefore I slow down but intensify my pace to show her that I'm not done yet, underlining my thrusts with short pecks to her lips as one of her hands clutches my back and the other engages in a death grip on the back of my head. Neither of us have gotten the smiles out of our eyes. We may be terminally afflicted. You'd be happy too if you had *her* legs wrapped around your waist and knew that she had them there because she wanted you.
My mind began it's recitation of the state capitals. I had to pull that trick out of the emergency box because I inevitably had to start moving faster and she's coming again, her thighs tensing hard against my waist as her toes point and curl toward the sky. Mm-mm, she's miraculous. Our kiss is long and nicely distracting as she rides through it, and I am trying to slow down but the way she's gripping my ass and trying to take over isn't really helping me out. I'll compromise and keep it like it is, but I'm not going any faster. The capital of California is Sacramento. Micki/Dana breaks contact with my mouth, nipping at my nose with her teeth, "You're coming with me next time." she barely lets out so only I can hear her.
I shake my head and give her a cocky grin, taking one of the hands that grasp her shoulders down to a firm breast and giving it an intent squeeze, "No, I'm not." I mouth silently as she squirms under me, giving her a solid, slow-it-down thrust. I didn't count on the hands on my ass being that strong; the force of that, the strength of her hips slamming upward, and the enchanting contraction of her inner walls once I'm to the hilt just negated everything I was trying to do. I have a suspicion that she might be the Last Dragon at the art of lovemaking. Okay, I give. I'll go faster.
Upon my obligement, I feel her hands slide up my back and grab me by the hair, pulling me hard into another brief kiss before moving her lips down and biting into my neck. Oh, dammit, Little Rock is the capital of Arkansas. I see that she's trying to help me by bringing a bit of pain into the situation, but I think I may have liked that a little too much, because it's forced me to growl out and move even faster. Oklahoma City is the capital of Oklahoma. St. Paul is the capital of Minnesota. Fuck, I can't think of any more! The red alert has started to go off. I try for baseball stats, the old standby, but I'm drawing a blank. "I love you." she says in a quiet, muffled voice into my neck, before tensing and letting out a terrifically banshee-like cry.
I do believe that did it. I am gone to that place again, and the incredible thing about being bounced into these regions of euphoria is that through all of this eroticism and technical talent, what sent me over the edge ended up being words. Mere words. Sure, I've been waiting about a year to hear them, and now that it's happened I feel they were worth the wait. In the midst of all this, my palms got around to cupping her face and I'm barely aware that I'm saying words over and over in a delirious chant while she says it to me again, then *again*. I love you. Wonders never cease. Once we slow down to a stop, that's what I realize *I* had been chanting, and quite loudly, I might add.
"Cut! Fool! Nobody says 'I love you' in porno!" Conrad exasperates through the bullhorn, "C'mon, Ry-D! Now we're gonna have to reshoot that last little bit! Where's your head?"
Micki and I look at each other and begin snickering, which escalates quickly into relieved laughter. Whoops. Our mistake. Luckily, I don't think there'll be any problems with the reshoot. It's only that last little part, after all. In fact, I have a feeling it'll be pretty fuckin' cheesecake.
"Sorry." comes our sheepish, giddy reply.



12: Something for the Grandkids and The Pillow Talk Interlude

"You fuckin' asshole, El. Why didn't you tell me yesterday that she slept on your couch? Here I was, thinking you had some class in not bragging." I crack at Elliot, throwing a balled up drink napkin at his head.
"She told me not to say anything. Believe me, it's not like I didn't try my best in making it true." Elliot answers as he picks up my offering and tosses it right back, "I had a nice warm bed all waiting for her."
"So you told me." Micki chuckles from the confines of my lap as we once again celebrate in Conrad's rec room, this time for the official wrap party. That's it, we've finished filming. Everything went swell, and Stolis all around for the fine cast and crew. We're situated around the large bar and lounge area, she and I taking up the only chair, but it's a giant one, "I thought that you actually went through with it, and didn't want you to have one over on me." she directs at me defensively .
"Well, why didn't you say something before the last Peter and Dana scene this morning?" I ask El.
"Your sequence wouldn't have translated to be nearly as convincing as it was on film." Elliot answers to 'oh, that's wrong' groans from the majority of the bodies in the room, "Hey! You found out the truth eventually, right?"
"Alls well that ends well." Dana offers, "In a deceptive, twisted, and bad kind of way."
"I second that emotion." Hank echoes, sitting at Dana's feet with his chin resting on her knees, "Zool, mothafucka."
Conrad was right. It *is* good to have your rocks off before you direct a group sex scene. Shee-it. I wouldn't have wanted to muscle through that without the aid of my own unexpected happiness. The powers of miscommunication can do strange, fucked up things, but thankfully, like Dana just stated, it's all worked out for the best. That, and Micki treated me to a wonderfully discreet handjob while Elliot was away from the monitors filming with the hand held camera. The woman is my reward. The thing that utterly slays me is that she tells me I am hers right back. Relationship officially redefined, in a most wonderful way that works out on all sides. Yes Virginia, there is a fucking Santa Claus, and Angels really do get their wings every time that bell rings. I believe it's all true.
"What a story to tell the grandkids, eh?" Andy starts at us with laughter in his tone, "Well, young-uns, we were friends who were pretending to be lovers to shoot this porno and ended up actually getting our happily ever after."
"Shit, you could just show them the footage." Laura pitches in, "See kids, this here is the first time the grandfolks got it on." she jokes, using an old lady voice.
Well, it *is* funny, and we did run out of things to throw here in the chair, so we laugh along with the rest of the group, "No offspring of mine will ever see this if I have anything to say about it." Micki giggles at her, "Our copy is going in a deep, dark vault in our basement."
"Not fucking even, you are not putting 'Slutbusters' in the vault!" Nothing that precious should be co-mingling with cursed objects. I pinch her in the side with my protest as she squirms in my lap and tries to get me back. I'm too fast for her, and I get her by the wrists as she cackles, "That's a piece of our history there, woman." I argue, laying a quick one on her forehead.
"Why on earth would an antique store have a vault in the basement?" Audrey queries.
"Long story." I say, letting Micki's wrists free.
"Boring story." Micki lies, trying not to smile, "Besides, we're not the only ones who may or may not be saying the same to *their* grandkids."
"Yeah, but sure as shittin' *our* first time wasn't on camera." Hank reveals, "It ended up being effective for you two, sure, but the concept is a bit gnarly."
"We decided we should do a trial run." Dana adds, "No alarms and no surprises."
"*You* decided. I was just being a gentleman and walked you to your dorm; you were the one who jumped me when we got there." Hank corrects.
"Please tell me we weren't the only ones who's first time was on camera." I am taken aback by Hank and Dana's revelation. I thought for sure their first time was their opening scene.
I look to Conrad and Laura, then Audrey and Andy, who give me and my lovely lap ornament guilty grins. They're all shaking their heads 'no'.
"I can't say for them," Conrad begins, "but we went there the night of the read through."
"Yum-my." Laura chimes.
"I sort of, attacked Andy right before your dialogue scene yesterday." Audrey admits, "Hey, I didn't want to be caught off guard!"
So that's why Hank was on boom mic.
"Upstairs hall closet. Good times." Andy says wistfully, "That was fantastic, by the way. She caught *me* off guard, but at least it wasn't on camera, so I'm not one to hold it against her."
So much for solidarity. Even among this motley crew, we're the odd birds out. The freaks of the freaks. Yay us.
"Have you all even engaged in the funk nasty off camera?" Conrad pries, "Because that's the beginning of a beautiful relationship right there."
We both look at each other with raised eyebrows. Do handys count? "Not *really*." Micki answers cautiously for the both of us.
Andy, Elliot, and Conrad howl with laughter over this, "Can you believe that shit? She said 'not really'! Well, I'll be fucked." Conrad heckles as they all nudge each other in amusement.
"Too late." Laura teases, "C'mon, lay off. It's weird ass, but romantic as hell. Good for you guys."
"Yeah, I guess now you have something else to look forward to, don't you?" Dana grins at us.
"The old style, off-camera bow-chica-wow-wow." Hank continues lasciviously.
Well, when they're right, they're right. We do have that on the 'look forward to' plate, now don't we?

**************************************************

"What do you think should be the proper punishment for eavesdropping on a lady conversation?" Micki asks me as I kiss my way down her calf.
I stop at her ankle and give her a grin, "Twenty-four hours of despair wasn't enough? You really are tough on a fella, aren't you?" I say before switching legs and beginning another oral journey back up the other calf. I do believe I've reached full blown addiction. "All lady talk aside, what made you give our little secret out in the first place?" I mouth my question into the skin of her knee. I've made no bones about attaching myself to her like a barnacle.
It's around mid-morning, and we haven't left the bed since we got back to the suite last night. Conrad graciously slipped me a Do Not Disturb sign, which has been put to proper and nonstop use. Call me old fashioned if you will, but the old off-camera style is definitely the way to go.
"You'll never understand because you're not a woman." she chuckles.
"What does *that* mean?" I question, moving my head to rest on her stomach and nipping at the area around her bellybutton "Enlighten me."
"It's just that most men will never experience the mind bending effects of multiple orgasm." she answers, twining her fingers into the strands on the top of my head, "That's woman's territory. At any rate, you can chalk it up to delirium. I was non compus mentus when Laura and Audrey started in with the questioning. Words were coming out, but I didn't know what I was saying."
I give her a gleeful look, "Really? I had you fucked stupid?"
"If that's what you want to call it." she answers me with a little pull to my 'do. Didn't hurt. "Hey, Don Juan, there would have been no twenty four hours at all if you hadn't heard my verbal slip in the first place." I am reminded.
I want to answer her, but I'm far too busy with my lips on her satiny soft abdomen to conjure up an immediate response. Told you I was addicted.
"Will you quit with that? I'm trying to have a conversation, here." Micki laughs as she gives my hair another tug.
"I can't help it." I answer in a mumble as I make my way up her left side, singing, "I wanna kiss you all o-ver, and o-ver and a-gain" in my best power ballad vocal and forcing a rumble of full blown giggles out of her. My mouth ends its travels when it lands on her neck, "What about if I stayed in this region while we talk?" I ask her, nuzzling her jawline as she catches her breath.
"That's fine, as long as you're paying attention." she answers, "You realize that our misunderstanding was all your fault, then?"
"Sure." I answer her, making a new trail around her collarbone, "My fault. I'll agree to that."
"So what should we decide upon as your punishment?" she asks, stroking my back lightly like you would a pet, "Maybe I should deny all touching for a good three hours. That'll fix your wagon."
"You tryin' to kill me?" I protest as I get face to face with her, "One half-hour alone would bring about convulsions of withdrawal. How about a punishment I can live with? You can tie me up and whip me." I offer, wagging my eyebrows.
She's attempting to hide her smile, but she's not very good at it, "That's no punishment." she argues, "I have a feeling you'd rather enjoy that."
"It was worth suggesting." I cave, "How about I give up all my turns driving the Goodsmobile for a month, or give up potato chips for a week or two? You know, something more reasonable."
"So you'd actually give up driving and potato chips than suffer the alternative?"
"*Or* potato chips. I distinctly said 'or'." My lips meet hers with a loud smack, "Micki, the fact that you clearly don't understand how hooked on you I am leads me to believe that I'm talking to a brick wall."
"Sorry, I didn't realize it was that bad." she laughs with jovial sarcasm, "Forget it. Twenty four hours of despair *was* punishment enough. I take it all back."
"So glad you're beginning to see things my way." I say encouragingly as she pulls me in with a smile and indulges the Micki Foster junkie with his fix. Lip to lip contact is still tingling, even after all this alone time. Let's just say that we've put the bed through a vigorous workout. It may need to be replaced after we leave.
She pulls back and gives a curious expression, "Are we talking give-up-the-Stratacaster-bad?" she asks me.
I have to think about that one for a second; a three hour denial of contact vs. the '67 Strat. Hard choice. "I hope that you love me enough to not make me do it, but yeah." I answer, "My affliction level is officially way past Stratacaster."
She leans in for another kiss of approval, letting this one be about as sweet and languid as we can allow, "Ryan, I would never make you give up the Stratacaster."
Well, if that isn't a declaration of love, I don't know what is.



13: And Then...

Two Months Later

You know, even though Conrad has the big mansion and his servants and all that, I feel equally rich being back in our creepy and kooky, now financially stable little shop. We spent a few more days helping out with the editing process before leaving Chicago to return to our happy home. Conrad did try to convince myself and Micki to stick around and become big porn stars one last time; but we respectfully declined. We can't very well sell the store and give up our quest, so it's safe to say the world has seen the last of Ed Wood and Betty Able. Besides, it's nice to be able to copulate with your lady fair without six people standing around and musing about what's going to happen on the next episode of "Moonlighting". Just sayin'.
Speaking of "Slutbusters", it has just reached number one in pornography sales in Yugoslavia, Russia, Japan, Turkey, Holland, and the Ukraine, according to Conrad. He called the other day and gave me the rundown after telling me he's about to send another check along with a package in the mail. He, Andy, Laura, and Audrey are preparing to do another picture, a little ditty from a talented writer that Conrad had met at an industry party titled "Whore's the Boss?" Elliot met a girl and they're already pregnant. They're planning on a quickie marriage next month after he finishes at the police academy. Crazy Days. You don't have to be a physicist to understand that El Stabilizer's days as a freelance cinemaphotagrapher are clearly over. Conrad also told me he contacted Hank and Dana to participate in "Boss"; they also had to decline due to school scheduling. He says they seem to be doing alright, they got an apartment by the University together last month, and Hank told him he was working on a novel inspired by certain events. Glad that they're all doing well. He wants us to come out there next month for the wrap party and Elliot's wedding. I told him that we'd see how it all worked out.
As for the homefront, we've gotten right back into the swing of object recovery. It's nice to have the ability to relax and not have to worry about shelling out thousands ever again; I have a third of the rights to "Slutbusters", and it's selling very well. Funny, but the new turn in our relationship barely registered a zero on Jack's surprise scale. He had merely given us a raspy chuckle when he picked us up from the airport and caught us in what some would call a hideous display, telling us it was about time that we'd figured things out. He has tried to ask about the 'work' we did in Chicago, but we've remained cryptic on that issue. I believe we said something about creating artwork for an old friend's movie and have tried to leave it at that.
I remain remarkably addicted, by the way. Each morning I have the pleasure of waking up next to her, yet I still get that light-headed sensation when we kiss. We even practiced a litmus test on a slow day, laying in bed together and just kissing for hours. That feeling isn't retreating. It's still as new as the first time. I can say that I do maintain some decorum while we're out and about, despite the cravings.
I had taken the train to go see a guy about a horse (actually, a saddle) earlier and I'm just now arriving back home. It's a little later in the day, so the shop is closed, and the only sign of intelligent life I see belongs to Micki descending the staircase as I walk in the door.
"How was the saddle?" she asks me as she makes her way over.
"We can pick it up tomorrow." I inform her as I meet her halfway and greet her the way man intended, with a great big wet one smack on the mouth.
"Burnsbury Stables?" Micki further queries when she comes up for air.
"That's the one." I answer, "Hello, you."
"Hi yourself, handsome. Got you a present." she adds, "Take a look behind the cash register."
"But it's not my birthday!" I smile widely, hauling her by the waist with me as I make way to investigate. Oh, wow. Behind the counter, leaning against the bookshelf is a '67 Strat in Woodgrain finish. "Congratulations. You did it. You just won the Best Girlfriend in the Universe award." I am beyond impressed. Her thoughtful nature is astounding.
"See, now this way, you'll never run out of Strat." she begins, but I cut her off when I clamp my mouth on hers once more and push her back into the counter.
"Where's Jack?" I have to force myself to stop and ask, giving a look around
"He just left to investigate at the Library. Something about a cursed videotape, seven days, and it being lethal when you view it." she answers as she works at my belt buckle.
"Ooh, so we have time then." I say in a pleased voice as she pulls me in for another liplock and shoves my jeans down my hips, "Time to take my 'lil honeybunny ladyfriend upstairs and thank her properly."
"Would you?" she cracks back.
I'm leaning in for another assault on her neck when we hear the door chime and look up to see Jack coming in through the entry carrying a medium sized box of some sort. I let go of Micki and quickly duck behind the counter to pull my jeans back up and rebuckle. Just when you think it's safe.
Micki gives him a wave and a guilty grin, "Hi, Jack. Back from the Library already?" she greets him.
"I haven't made it that far." Jack replies, "I bumped into a UPS delivery driver around the corner, who happened to be an old acquaintance of mine. We were caught up for a few minutes in conversation. Has Ryan arrived back?"
Good, he didn't just see that, "Right here." I answer as I pop up from behind the counter with my brand new guitar, "Did Micki show you what she got for me?"
"Yes, yes. Very nice indeed." Jack acknowledges, "It seems that it's your day for recieving, my boy. My friend was delivering this package; it's addressed to you, from a Funky Dungeonmaster Productions?"
"Oh, that must be from Conrad." I say, gingerly setting down my new Strat and rushing over to relieve him of the box.
"Did I read that right? Funky Dungeonmaster Productions?" Jack asks as he rolls the words over his tongue, "Your friend Conrad must be some character." he notes.
"He's the essence of cool." I reply, moving the package to the desk and obtaining a box-cutter, "There's most likely another check in here; you think you could swing by the bank on your way to the Library, Jack?" I continue to ask him as I work on my task. What did Conrad send us? This box is definitely heavier than just a check.
"*Another* creative art director check for this mysterious movie?" Jack laughs, "The international movie market is more lucrative than I thought."
Micki rests her chin on my shoulder as I pry it open, revealing an envelope (with the check), a folded up slip of paper, a videocassette, the pink floral kimono Micki wore in our first scene and Peter Shankman's Slutbusters uniform. This is not a box for Jack's eyes, truth be told.
I'm handing Jack the check when Micki procures the slip of paper and begins reading aloud, "To Ry-D and Mi-chelle my Belle: Thanks for all your help in making my motherfucking movie. Enclosed is the final cut and a couple of souveniers. Couldn't have been a success without you; Conrad. P.S. Fawnsworth says hi."
"Ah, your movie." Jack comments, "I can't say I'm not a little curious as to what it is and how it turned out." he tries to reach for the tape, but I'm just a little bit quicker than he.
"Oh, I don't think you'd like it very much." I try to deflect, passing the tape to Micki.
"I agree with Ryan. I have a feeling that we'd be highly embarrassed if you watched this."
"Yeah, it's one of those slice and dicers." I lie, "You'd be bored to tears."
He gives each of us a long suspicious look, and I can tell he's trying to read us to see if we give anything away, "You two are keeping something from me...and I have a feeling that I'd rather not know." he tells us, "You don't have to indulge an old man."
"It's best this way." Micki agrees with him, patting his shoulder.
He leaves shortly thereafter, on a journey by way of the bank to peruse the wonderful world of microfische.
"Hey lady," I begin after Jack's exit, looking over at Micki, who is currently perched on the edge of the desk and toying with the videotape, "Should we pop some corn and wheel the 'ol TV and VCR into the bedroom? Because it seems to me like it's a great night for watching a movie."

The End

Cue Young MC's "Bust a Move"

Elliot Stabler now resides in New York City with his wife and five children. He works full time as a detective for the Manhattan Special Victims Unit and works tirelessly at ridding the streets of pedophiles. He hasn't touched a camera in a very long time.

Audrey Horne did a few more films for Conrad before going to school to train as a veterinarian. She now resides in Niagara Falls with two cats and is still famous for having the most unique name in the history of porn: Roscoe 128th.

Conrad Shepard reached great heights as a producer, eventually working his way up from porn to major Hollywood productions until the mid-'90's when he sunk all of his fortune into a movie titled "Waterworld". He now lives with his aunt in Los Angeles and works as some sort of farmer.

Laura Palmer teamed up with Conrad and continued doing porn with great success after he went legitimate. She now goes by the name Jenna Jameson. She resides in Las Vegas.

Andy Botwin gave up porn upon Conrad's entrance into legitimacy and engaged in a brief stint as a member of his entourage before returning to culinary school. He now lives off of his sister-in-law and two nephews in Agrestic, California.

Fawnsworth had to look for work elsewhere after Conrad lost his millions. He is currently a manservant to a well known rap producer.

Deelicious went missing in 1992. She is still missing.

Dana Scully dated Hank Moody for another year before deciding mutually split up due to her transfer of schools to Arizona and his offer from publishers to move to New York City.

Dana Scully completed her doctorate in forensics pathology and now works as a Special Agent on the X-Files division of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. She lives in the Georgetown neighborhood of Washington D.C. Her partner bears an uncanny resemblance to Hank Moody.

Hank Moody became a world class philanderer upon the dissolution of his relationship with Dana, along with the success of his writing career. He is likened to authors in the realm of Bukowski and Tom Robbins, and he now resides in Venice, California with his daughter and the mother of his child. He is working on the screenplay for his last successful novel.

Micki Foster, Ryan Dallion, and Jack Marshak are still collecting the last remaining cursed items and ridding the world of evil. There was a year in there that Ryan was transformed into a 12 year old boy, but he got better.

Ryan Dallion still gets dizzy when they kiss.

Micki Foster maintains the title of the Last Dragon of makin' love.

Jack Marshak is still a Wiccan Pimp who knows everybody.


*Now*, it's The End.

*A few closing notes from the Author*

I originally got the idea for this story around halfway through writing "House Play (or you Can't Stop Stepford)", and had to practically fight off the ideas for this missive so that I could properly complete the prior tale. If you read it, you know I was successful. I'm very proud of how that one turned out, but the fact remains that the idea for this story needled at me and I was really anxious to start putting pen to paper. What's more madcap and crazy than our heroes starring in a porno? What really hit me that this could work was the question of what lengths they would go to if they were faced by the real world notion of losing real estate property (not to mention all the cursed items) to the IRS. It started out pretty fluidly; I began writing within' days of finishing "House Play" due to the idea already having been present in my brain, and wrote the first third of it as the ideas began to pour forth. Then something funny happened. I had recently joined Facebook due to a friend of mine posting a video of my band's performance at a local bar, and it was right around the release of Season Three of F13:TS, so naturally I was representing the fan holiday with a picture of our fave female shopkeeper as my profile picture, over a caption that reads "Hairpalace...jealous?" Long story short, I get a message from Louise Robey herself asking me why I was using it and now we are virtual FB acquaintances. Immediately thereafter I came down with a pretty bad case of writer's block and every time I would try to continue the story, I would draw nothing but blanks. You can't help but be a little paranoid when the person that's played the main character of your dirty stories is suddenly aware of you, and accessable to boot. I think my brain got a little gun shy. This story sat untouched for a good couple of months, and I was beginning to think it's destiny was to end up with the rest of the half-written tales I started but gave up when the creative main line runs out on your idea. I have a good half-dozen X-Files fics from back in the day that has happened to. At least with the X-Files, when it was huge to write in that genre, there were no social networking sites for Gillian Anderson to come finding me out and possibly getting pissed that I indulge my creativity in such a manner. Not to say that's happened *here*, luckily, the lovely Louise is most likely far too busy to read this story, but I really, *really* hope that she never does. I would be mortified, just like I would be if Sherilyn Fenn or Romany Malco or Chris Meloni or even that wonderful perv David Duchovny gave this tale the once over. This is entertainment for me; I happen to like making up my own turn of events for my fave characters. I've been doing it for so long that it's force of habit. As you can already tell, my temporary brain fart has left the building after a couple of hits of inspiration and the story prevailed in being told. I would like to acknowledge a few things: Fawnsworth is more or less directly based and ripped off a certain real life manservant and is no way aware of this story. The cursed item that Jack is looking for at the end is the video from the movie "The Ring". Since it was an unrelated to this universe but still a cursed object, I thought that it would be funny. I also took some extreme liberty with the "Twin Peaks" girls Laura and Audrey; they both end up dying on the show they were written for (Laura by Bob, Audrey in a bank explosion in the series finale) so I gave them the opposite and let them have their happy ending. Jenna Jameson is also unaware of this story. I also decided that instead of Mulder, that a young collegiate Dana Scully should go there with a young Hank Moody, although I did originally have Mulder in mind when I first started writing. In the end, however, Hank Moody made more sense to me, and I still got to keep it Anderson/Duchovny, which is nice if you're still an X-shipper like I am.
So now that this is all over, how am I going to jog my brain's creativity, huh? I've been working on this story decidedly longer than most, and it seems surreal that it's now all said and done. All She Wrote. Finito. Kaput.
At any rate, thanks for reading. I hope you enjoyed the tale.
And I really hope that she doesn't read this. Seriously.